Mom always enjoyed her visits to the doctor. Everyone loved her and for some reason she was able to accept and enjoy the attention.
A time comes for many daughters when they realize that their mothers need their help—even if they aren’t ready to ask for it. The continuing care may be met in various ways but the need never lessens. It is rocky and winding but it is beautiful. I guess there is no such thing as One Way Home.
Even though it’s been more than a year since Mom died questioning thoughts still surface in me. What was really best for Mom? Did I make the right choices for her along the way? What if I would have moved her back to her home? I can’t help but ask and I will never know. Every decision I made came with new questions and there were often unexpected “events” making it even harder. Most of the time my answer to each question was “I don’t know” and I usually didn’t. Now I remind myself that I did the best I could. I am grateful I was there for Mom and that she was still there for me. I don’t think this is a guilt trip. I’m just reflecting and wondering if this will one day settle into some kind of completion. Maybe closure doesn’t mean closed for good. It’s still an open book.
Mom loved going out for dinner and Cheddars was usually her first choice.
Writing in this blog helped me keep things somewhat linear. It provided a path for me to adhere to so I wouldn’t linger or get stuck—quit. I made myself stay with it and it was grounding. I’m happy I did because now I have a personal “Book of Mom” filled with the beautiful journey we shared. But I feel like the “book” is coming to a close because there aren’t really any new chapters. I am waiting for the mortuary to deliver Mom’s gravestone to the cemetery in Wellington and that will probably feel like full-circle. After that the ongoing events will mostly be anniversaries, flashbacks and trips back to Kansas.