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Trying to turn the page

Posted on Feb 18, 2015

A more realistic title would have been Trying to Write the page because I have been trying to put something into words for almost two months and I keep running into a wall. It’s always just a new version of the same wall I’ve been hitting for the last year. Now I think I am finally starting to read some of the writing on the wall. Mom’s gone.
I’m at a pivotal point and as scary and unknown as it seems to suggest ⎯ It’s time for me to grieve so I can get to the other side ⎯ the “we lived happily ever after” side.

One year ago from right now was the beginning of the end and it haunts me very hard. It was, by far, the worst time in mom’s entire life and the events that took place then remain the hardest ones for me to accept. Do I have to look back at that?  When I grieve do I have to work my way backwards to finally get to the good stuff? Is that the only route? I want the ending part to just Go Away and not lure me into feeling like something could have been different, something could have been better or I could have stopped something. I know it’s too late for that voice of instruction ⎯ I shouldn’t be listening to it anyway. I need a better starting point to get unstuck. A new chapter.

2013 Mom dressed in Valentine Red welcoming her Meals on Wheels driver, Jackie.

Special Delivery on Valentines Day

This year on Valentine’s Day I skipped my thoughts of one year ago and took myself to the previous year, 2013. Leonor had recently agreed to be available for mom as needed and the Meals on Wheels delivery was quickly becoming the highlight of each day. It still amazes me when I remember how excited she was about the food and she could hardly wait to taste it.

At that time I felt like I could be comfortable at home in California knowing Mom was safe. Plus she was  even more content with more social activity and new contacts. This was my ongoing plan for her care. I was determined it was the right thing to do even though it wasn’t easy. Maybe I even thought it would last forever.

Stepping into empty footprints

Posted on Dec 31, 2014

Christmas 2011

Sending Christmas cards
Mom’s dedication to sending Christmas cards always amazed me. The most touching part was the additional time she took to write a personal message in each card. Last Christmas was the first time she did not send any cards. She had every intention but it never happened. I feel like that must have been a subtle message to her distant friends that things were changing.

In hindsight I think sending cards was one of her favorite Christmas traditions. Each year it was a beautiful ritual for me to witness. She always followed the same procedure. First she would re-read the card she received from the year before — she always saved her cards. She would then pause and reflect on some memory of that person or that family’s life before she started her message. Her “note” usually filled the entire inside of each card. When she finished each card she would say “Oh, I just ramble on about nothing” and seal the envelope. Her penmanship was a work of art.

The lost art of Penmanship

Memories came flooding in to me this Christmas and I was unprepared for the sadness attached. Somehow I thought I would be just fine with Christmas. Instead I kept experiencing new feelings about old and ordinary things. I now realize a need for new definitions in parts of my life. Unexpected reactions to things like seeing Mom’s handwriting can be suddenly amplified and appreciated even more. I find it all around me – the little wooden box of her favorite recipes, the letters and cards from her I have saved, her detailed descriptions on the back of photographs. Her written voice speaks a new language to me.

My reflection on her handwriting and dedication to send Christmas cards is one of many empty footsteps she has left for me to step into. They offer possibilities for me to repeat her goodness. I am challenged to give it a try — the only cards I send this year were to her friends and neighbors. She would be pleased about that.

More empty footsteps are ahead on my new path.  I am grateful for the inspiration she left for me to follow.

Thanksgiving and the Promise of Joy

Posted on Dec 18, 2014

The Pacific Ocean

Thanksgiving Day opened a new chapter for the Railsback family. This is our first year of the “holidays without Mom”.

Frine, Guy and Nancy at the Cliff House

Thankfully Guy arranged for a five o’clock dinner at The Cliff House. The weather was glorious and we had plenty of time to explore Golden Gate Park before dinner. The park has survived decades of expansion in San Francisco and still provides an amazing haven for retreats from the city.

Thanksgiving 2014

It proved to be a perfect setting for us to reunite with our childhood. We both tried to remember times being there in our childhood but could mostly only remember going to Playland. The roller coaster the fun house with the burlap slides and crazy mirrors. Playland is now covered with condos and the Cliff House has been remodeled a number of times. Maybe we never had a meal at the Cliff House as children but it is now a landmark for us. Spectacular views and seemingly endless eating.

Thanksgiving has now passed and  I am trying my best to just let the “Season” unfold and accept it’s “newness”.  I’m realizing it can be a tough sled to pull.

Memory Lane | Under Construction

Posted on Nov 20, 2014

For me it was the new white

It’s a California rainy day and perfect for Inside Jobs. I’m reminiscing — remembering the feeling of content I experienced in Mom’s house last year at this time when the snow quietly appeared and kept us inside all day. Outside the windows everything that once looked familiar was covered in white. We were snowbound.  We were warm and we were safe. There was nowhere to go and no better place to be. In hindsight those were among the days I cherish most with my time spent with Mom. Even then I knew it was a gift and I appreciated it. Now as I unwrap the gift of those times I see precious lifetime memories — mostly.

The voices inside my head keep shouting at each other and pressure me to keep up My Mom Blog. it’s different now because we no longer have our “day-to-day” for me to blog about.  I don’t want it to be a sad story but I don’t want it to end. I guess I want the Fairytale version. And, everyone lived happily ever after.

Back to the blog! Meanwhile  I’ve let some significant Happy events pass by without writing them down.

•  In September the Kansas City Royals were in the World Series. They held on until the seventh inning of the seventh game. This was history.
•  Mom’s 98th birthday was November 1st. The same day as The Day of the Dead but this year it took on a deeper significance for me. The Day of the Dead is a day to celebrate those loved ones who have passed. All Saints Day. A perfect day to Celebrate Mom’s life!

I’m starting to run a little memory playback in my mind that I call ‘This time last year” where I replay what was happening then but those days were mostly the beginning of our toughest times. I’ve been told that with a certain amount of time bad memories fade and then it’s the good ones that fill the new vision of what was. It then becomes a pretty picture and everyone does live happily ever after. But now, the difficult times are starting to surface and I don’t like it. It makes me want to go back and change things that happened or decisions I had to make. I want to edit the story. I know I can’t really do that but I still feel like I want to fix something. Reconstruct Memory Lane. I know I have to look at this part of the story but I also know it won’t always look bad. A year ago mom and I were both realizing our challenge was really bigger than both of us could comprehend and we did our best to be with it.  At that time I don’t think either one of us gave the future much realistic thought. Our life was contained in the Moment — we didn’t need to know this would be our last year together. I will forever be grateful for mom’s amazing strength and loving way. She carried the weight with Grace. She continued to repeat her lifelong motto “Live each day and live it well” and she did just that.

“Here’s looking at you, kid.” Leonor put a smile on Mom’s face like no one else could.

Mom loved to visit her doctor’s office because she was always a star. When asked “How are you doing today?” she would quickly reply with her subtle sense of humor. If she was feeling good she would say “I‘m still among them” and if she was feeling bad she would say “Dig a hole”

Mom first met Leonor at the doctor’s office and after that she was never very far out of reach for help and for friendship. The very mention of Leonor’s name was often enough to pull Mom away from most any hard rock she might be trying to push through. The very sight of her coming into the room would light Mom up like her special Angel had just arrived to fix everything.

I love the photo Leonor took of Mom less than a month after her move into Garden Villas. It reminds me of how happy mom was in her new surroundings – at least in the beginning.

100 years Today

Posted on Sep 25, 2014

Happy Birthday Dad

Sharon took this photo near Lawrence. I had to ask her if it was a real place in Kansas.She said, Yes!

September 25, 2014. Dad would have turned 100 today.

As mom grew into her final years people would often speak to me about the possibility of her living to be 100 — that was never a thought for dad. He died young and unexpectedly at age 71. In 1986 and Mom won the grand prize at the Oak Park Mall. It was a seven day cruise in the Bahamas. This is the only thing mom had ever won in her life and dad agreed to go because he knew she had always wanted to go on a cruise. On the first morning of the cruise dad woke up and spoke to mom about their plans for the day. Then he closed his eyes and that was “it”.

During the last years of Mom’s life I came to realize that it was when dad died that she regained control of her own life. That is when her deep strength surfaced and carried her nearly three more decades. She did not sink – she soared. She was her own boss once again. I am grateful that she lived long enough for me to spend so much time with her and that I could have an opportunity to see and share who she truly was in her own treasured terms and lifestyle. As a child there was no place for me to see this powerful side of her because dad was unquestionably the boss. Without a doubt he was my inspiration for strength and I am grateful to have had a strong father figure. During my childhood there was never a place for mom’s underlying strength to be visible even though it was always there. She was the humble strength on the sidelines holding dad and raising her family.

Getting to know this powerful side of my mother is one of the greatest gifts that came out of the “later in life” times we experienced together. The inspiration that was given to me from my father as I grew up still runs deep but what I learned from the opportunity to see the span of my mother’s entire life unfold has allowed me to see and understand her in a more authentic way than I could have ever known. Now I see and know her independence both when she was a child and as a young woman. I can now see the total picture— before dad and her life after dad. Through the last years people continued to remark about how independent Mom was and I was always the first to quickly agree. There were so many years lived on her own and her motto was always “Live each day and live it well”.  The strength and independence didn’t come out of nowhere — it was hers all along.

I recently had a wonderful and unexpected reunion lunch with my dad’s first secretary. When she started working for him I was three years old and she continued to work for him for about twelve years. These were the years when I was growing up and she is one of the few people, if not the only person still living who knew my family during my childhood. As we talked I began to realize this and loved every story she had to share. The one thing she seemed to stress and remember so clearly about mom was How Strong She Was!  She had a first hand chance to witness it for years. I was just a child.

The Sunflower State

Posted on Aug 26, 2014

Sweet memories of mom’s car.

I’m delighted that cousin Sharon now has mom’s car and cruses around Lawrence in it just like my mom and her mom did many years ago. Mom loved her times with Aunt Jo and the little red car knows its way around town in Lawrence.

I’ve realized that the car is really the only material thing of mom’s left in Kansas because the house is sold and all of her furnishings have been relocated. It was a big surprise to me when I had so much resistance and sadness when the Estate Sale finally took place. I knew all along that it was the best solution for the situation and was well planned but it kind of knocked me out when Opening Day was announced. My original intention was to contact friends and let them know when it would take place so they could buy their memorabilia of sorts. When the time came I couldn’t face it.

Hello Kitty

I couldn’t stop the vision of strangers milling around the house –  just picking up this and that and wondering if it was a good buy. Mom’s  home was filled with personal possessions that had been cared for and deeply loved for a lifetime and now everything was just up for grabs. I began to imagine Unidentified Shoppers wandering through the house and deciding which of these Treasures  was a “good deal”. It’s no wonder that the Estate Sale companies don’t want the owners around at the time of the sale. In the end the neighbors were the only ones who knew about the sale day and that’s because they could see the signs posted outside. In hindsight I wish I would have let others know about it and perhaps some of mom’s personal things could have been rescued. I just couldn’t face it at the time and then suddenly –  it was all over. All along I knew the line needed to be drawn somewhere and it was never going to be easy. On a brighter note I got a message from Paul and Denise,  the neighbors across the street, the day after the sale. It included a photo of their daughter, Lydia, wearing mom’s Hello Kitty robe. That was a much better final version of the Estate Sale for me.

California may not be the Sunflower State but the sunflowers still shine big and bright.

I’ve been back home in California for almost five months and it’s still very hard for me to let go of Kansas. Most of the time I know that I really don’t have to. Realities from my recent years spent in Kansas are now being transformed into wonderful Memories and they are mine to keep and add to my childhood memories of  summer family visits to Grandma and Grandpa’s in Wellington. Guy and I will eventually go back to Wellington to place mom’s Cremains (a new word introduced to my vocabulary!) in the historic cemetery there where her mother and father and our father wait.

Day by day I am settling back into my California life and trying to find a way that I can keep my Mom Connection alive and thriving in its new role. I’m certainly still processing it all – in fact I’ve hardly started.  I have a running inner joke with myself when I hear “I’m so sorry to hear you lost your mom” as though one day I might find her somewhere. Is she pictured on a flyer tacked to a telephone pole with “Lost Mom” written below her picture?  Perhaps there are little tear-outs with my phone number in case anyone has any information about her whereabouts.

It seems like every day I have some new version of what this is all about for me.  I may eventually get comfortable with this Daily News – something new each day that will help me carry her with me wherever this all is taking me.

Monday Mourning

Posted on Jul 18, 2014

It has been a slow process for me to return to Mom’s blog. But it’s also been impossible for me to let the whole blog just end with the Memorial. That was the last post. Three and a half months have now passed and new events have been writing the “what’s next?” chapters. I still have no definition for myself to explain what the loss of my mother has created in my life or what will come to fill the emptiness. As time goes by I realize that the safety that my denial initially provided is no longer available to me. She’s gone. I’ve been told that I just have to be sad for some time — a long time. So, I’m getting acquainted with Mourning.

Mother’s Day at Unity Village. This is where I would like to spend Mother’s Day every year.

Shortly after the Memorial I made two trips back to Kansas to get things in order — the house, the car and most of mom’s lifetime possessions. I also needed to give myself a sense of closure with friends I made, neighbors and to my Kansas roots in general. I know there will be more trips to Kansas for me in the future but they will never be the same. The first trip will be when Guy and I return for a final memorial in Wellington. We will take mom’s ashes to the cemetery where dad and mom’s mother and father are. Meanwhile mom is in Lawrence with cousin Sharon— I just couldn’t pack her in my suitcase or put her in my Carry-On and bring her to California.

My two trips back to Kansas without mom being there were not easy but there were still things that needed to be done, a lot of unfinished business. I didn’t have time to admit to myself that mom was really gone. I did realize that when I was in Kansas there was a huge part of mom that was still very much alive and that protected me from the reality of her death. I loved being in the presence of those who knew her and loved her. I made many visits to Garden Villas and Delmar Gardens where everyone just wanted to talk about mom. They missed her.

The final photo of “the house”.

Trying to sell a forty year old house is really asking for stress. Fortunately I was very happy with the real estate agent, Pam. Mom knew her well because she lived in the neighborhood many years ago.  She still loved the neighborhood, the schools and the Location-Location-Location. We bonded easily and developed a friendship that I hope will continue. However, the initial home pre-inspection pretty much reduced the house to a can of worms. Far too many unexpected things were “very wrong”.  The roof, the wiring, the foundation and more frightening things I had never even heard of. Then very good news came out-of-the-blue. I knew, and even mom had known, that we would probably need a new roof and this was the first thing that came out of the inspector’s mouth. But, a major hail storm had pounded the neighborhood only three weeks after mom died and the roof was severely damaged. Mom’s insurance company paid for an entire new roof!  Suddenly “as-is” looked a lot better.  The house went on the market and three hours later a family made an offer for asking price. Somehow in the end it all looks so easy but it was a bumpy ride until it finally closed.  Another closure.

Guy and Frine renewed their wedding vows on their 15th anniversary.

Meanwhile Guy and I have been recovering and returning to our daily activities. A very touching event was for Guy and Frine to renew their marriage vows in the Catholic Church in Seaside. On June 27th their vows were renewed in a Catholic church in Seaside.  The reunion ceremony was celebrated in Monterey with dinner and entertainment at the Embassy Suites for family and friends.

The Memorial

Posted on Apr 8, 2014

Neil Engal

It was no surprise that the sun finally came out just before 2 in the afternoon. The house was filled with friends, neighbors and relatives. Many were neighbors who had moved away years ago and their children were now grown. The memorial also became  a reunion for them — remembering mom from as far back for some as 40 years. They came because she was still in their hearts and they met new neighbors that were now living in their old homes. They talked about how much their children loved mom when they were growing up. The neighbors across the street could not attend because they just had a baby girl arrive the day after mom died and when I saw the baby the next day I was told her name is Lucy. It’s a beautiful neighborhood.

Everyone loved having the service and the memorial in mom’s house and it felt like there was no other place it could have been. The service was given by the pastor from Dean and Martha’s church and was held in the living room. The same room I have found such quiet comfort in for over a year now. The “off-limits” room mom never used because she wanted to keep everything “nice”. In the end it was saved for what was most appropriate. Her memorial service.

A beautiful surprise for me was to see Lucy come through the door. I had not seen her since she left Garden Villas January 1st and she and Anna were such a big part of mom’s transition time when she began her life out of her own home last August. Lucy always saved the day! And, of course, Leonor was there with her beautiful smile reminding us all of how much she has been a part of mom’s life for the last eight years. Mom’s special angel. Cousin Sharon and family were there as well as cousin Jack. The Seelys from Tonganoxie and John and Vaughn from Leavenworth.

All of this would have been impossible without the never ending help that Dean and Martha have so lovingly provided. Guy and I did not do any of the preparation and it all happened. When the last guest was gone we fell into a beautiful silence that we quietly maintained until he left on Monday afternoon.

Last Photo

Posted on Apr 5, 2014

April 4, 2014

Posted on Apr 4, 2014

Guy and I went to the mortuary this morning and are now resting before the memorial tomorrow. I am still in a complete daze.  Joan and Martha wrote the obituary for the Kansas City Star. Dean and Martha are planning the entire memorial service.

Lucille Bell Railsback, 97, of Overland Park, KS, passed away April 3, 2014.  Memorial services will be held at her home Saturday, April 5, at 2:00 p.m.  Lucille was born November 1, 1916, daughter of Earl and Anna Giles.  She married Guy Railsback, Sr. and he preceded her in death in 1986.  They lived their married life in Arkansas, Minnesota, and moved to California in 1948.  In 1970 they moved to Kansas and moved to her present home in 1972.  Lucille is survived by her son and daughter-in-law, Guy Jr. and Frine Railsback, Monterey, California, and daughter, Nancy Nichols, San Anselmo, California.  In lieu of flowers the family is requesting memorial contributions be sent to IN SPIRIT, Box 383, Woodacre, CA 94973.