April 3, 2014
Mom died peacefully this morning and there will be a service for her in her home on Saturday afternoon. I will need to follow up on this later but want to thank all of you for loving her and following her life.
Read MoreHeaven is Opening its Gates for mom
Day by day it gets a little more difficult to write about the events. I rested well last night and felt ready for a new day with mom. She seemed quite restless all morning and didn’t want to eat much for breakfast or lunch. Leonor stopped in for a visit at noon and I got on the bed next to mom just as I have been doing for the past few days. All of a sudden mom sat straight up went into a major seizure — it just wouldn’t stop. The nurse came in and calmed her down. I had arranged for Hospice care earlier and will always remember the way they handled this afternoon for mom. Loving and caring hands surrounding her and comforting me. I left at around four in the afternoon and mom was sleeping peacefully. Hospice had arranged a 24 hour watch for her so she would never be alone alone. I returned at eight for find mom peacefully sleeping. Hospice encouraged me to go back to the house and sleep because mom was very settled. I returned early the next morning and stayed most of the day in the bed with mom. I didn’t know that would be my last day with her.
Part 2 added April 17th The part I couldn’t write until now but will never forget.
Mom was settled for the night and I am grateful the Hospice caretaker encouraged me to go back the the house and sleep. I could kind of let go. At about 3 in the morning I was awakened by a sound that resembled thunder and I guess it was but there had been no rain. Midwestern thunder storms are so loud and powerful it can feel like the entire sky is exploding and the lightning further intensifies it all. I’m always fascinated, excited and then somewhat disappointed when the times come up that I realize I’m afraid. This was different. It was like something I had never heard before and now when ever I think about it I’m taken back to how I felt being there listening to it. I felt like I could see the entire sky slowly and powerfully opening right down the middle. Dark clouds on either side rolling back in waves as if in preparation for mom’s arrival. I told myself that the Gates of Heaven where opening. I fought with the desire to race over to mom and make sure she was still alive. I didn’t but when I arrived in the morning it was really the beginning of her departure. I’ve since learned that the restlessness she was experiencing during that morning before her seizure is a sign of moving toward the end of life. Maybe the restlessness doesn’t always go into a seizure but the agitation was there. She did say to me that morning that she did not want to live anymore and I was grateful she was able know and express this. The rest of the day she was calm and beautiful — no more words were spoken but we all knew she could hear us and she knew we were there.
Remembering Dad
March 31
is a family anniversary day for us but I didn’t remind mom when I saw her this morning. I did find myself thinking of how isolated and alone she was the day he died. Coming into Nassau on a cruise ship and left to deal with all of the affairs on her own. I don’t know how she managed but I guess that’s another secret of her strength.
Today I made myself stay home and rest all day. I finally realized how I needed help and didn’t want to be alone. These are not feelings I am familiar with. I surrounded myself with my many wonderful friends even though they are far away. My neighbor, Sue, has saved me with soup, company and quick visits to see mom. It’s so hard for mom to see me worn out but I think I will be back to normal by tomorrow.
Mom is feeling better about her new surroundings and that is a huge relief for me. She just needs more activity but I’m hoping that will come. The big plus is that Guy is coming on Friday and staying through Monday. The three of us have not been together since mom’s 90th birthday party.
Read MoreThis is just a short message because so many of you are worried and I haven’t followed up with the blog or anything at all. Mom is now in long term care and I haven’t seen her yet today because I went to Emergency this morning and fortunately I’m ok but so stressed and exhausted I can hardly move. I hope I can go see her in awhile because she is so use to seeing me every morning and she doesn’t like her new surroundings. Hoping to post better news soon
Read MoreWorst Case Scenario
It’s about six in the morning and I’m looking at the day ahead as the one where I finally might just give up. I feel like I have tried everything in the books and am now trying not to accept my own failure – just like mom. She continues to feel like she has either failed or she has done something wrong. She has tried beyond her limits to progress in therapy, strength and in her basic daily life. The only thing she really knows to live by is “right or wrong” and this is clearly not right. Yesterday I spent most of the day watching her exhaust herself to a point where she couldn’t even sleep or eat —just like me. There was a desperate closeness between us that seemed to separate us from the world going by.
I try to stay away from blame, regret and all of the What ifs? because somewhere I do still hold on to a belief in the bigger picture and know I just need to look at things from a different viewpoint. Now I wait to see what the rest of the day has in store. I do know I need to finish clearing out and moving moms attempt at Independent Living. Everything must be out by the end of the month. Most of what we moved to Garden Villas will stay in mom’s garage for now. This feels a little more like going in reverse rather than moving forward but I remind myself that I’m tired and I know there is a better way to look at it.
It really snowed again last night!
Saturday Afternoon The re-evaluations are not complete but a new picture is in the works. Mom is having a very hard time keeping her strength activated and I am witnessing a slow decline on most levels. I know she’s exhausted from her hospital stay and needs a lot of sleep. I’ve watched her push herself forward in the last three weeks like I have never seen before. I have continued to remind myself that she doesn’t know how to quit and how she has always surprised us all with her amazing rebounds. But, I feel like she is running out of stories to tell herself about what is happening to her and where she is going. She looks at me a lot lately with a kind of empty search in her eyes like I might be able to say something – answer her invading unknowns. I wonder what the words will be if I start to say “something” and I recall the many times I have overreacted with my own dramatic versions. For now I’m staying with the “I don’t know” version.
Sweet Dreams
Sunday I awakened to see a blanket of snow covering the ground but was grateful it would soon melt and allow me to drive. The day passed without much activity and most importantly with mom catching up on the sleep she needed. Lenora popped up at lunchtime and fueled mom with her special magic.
Tomorrow will be the day when the new rehab goals are provided and then we may have an idea of what’s next. I’m no longer feeling comfortable about a move to Long Term Care being the next best place for her to call home.
Through another series of crazy coincidences mom now has a wonderful new roommate and I would like for her to be able to stay in rehab for as long as Medicare and her insurance will allow.
Read MoreT.G.I.F.
Another rebound for mom and she’s back in Skilled Nursing for rehab. Today she will be re-evaluated and then we will know how much longer she can stay in rehab before making the decision between Assisted Living and Long Term Nursing. I feel like we both know what the answer will be but I am getting better at leaving the call of the future alone.
Snooping around. I just took a little tour of the part of Delmar Gardens that she would most likely be living in and I was encouraged by what I saw. Again, I never thought I could possibly have good feelings about my mom living in a nursing home. But, when I take my own beliefs and desires out of the picture I see more and more each day how much mom really wants to be in extended care. She has worked hard and done an amazing job but she is tired of taking care of herself. In the short period of time she has been in Delmar Gardens I see her more comfortable than she has been since her original move to Garden Villas last August. I have no regrets around that move because she did need to move out of her home and I did have to paint a pretty picture of what it would be like for her — why she was going to like it. She needed encouragement. Oddly enough she feels more “at home” now in the nursing home. Once again she is thriving among the residents and staff. A new fan club is already forming. I didn’t have to spoon feed her to get to this place. She wants it. For me this is a gift because trying to present a rosy picture of how nice it was going to be for her to move into a nursing home would be a challenge.
This is not final but it is where we are today.
Read MoreOff to Hospital again
Perfect timing for a surprise visit from Joan.
The weekend started on kind of an upbeat feeling. Mom had great sessions with her therapists and was getting around with her walker pretty well — in fact much better that anyone expected. It was a nice thought to leave the wheelchair behind. Saturday evening Joan came for a visit and stayed with mom while she ate dinner. It felt kind of festive and I know mom enjoyed the company.
Something changed on Sunday morning and I don’t quite know what but by five thirty it seemed like the only thing to do was to call 911. It just seemed like everything was falling apart. She seemed weak and confused. We spent a few hours in Emergency and I began to realize that we were becoming familiar faces. I recognized doctors and nurses and just about everyone remembered mom.
Mom working with her Speech Therapist, DeDe
Now I am back home and mom is resting well in room 2304. When I left I felt more comfortable leaving her there than taking her back to her rehab-home. It seems the main reason for keeping her overnight is the high risk factor involved with pneumonia and her hospital and nursing home exposure to it. There’s always something new to learn.
Read MoreProgress Report = Progress
The lady in red.
This afternoon’s trip to the Orthopedic Surgeon felt like a field trip. The weather was beautiful and mom and I were escorted in the Delmar Gardens bus with an entertaining driver and a wheelchair lift. This meant I didn’t have to drive and mom never had to be transferred from her wheelchair. Now that the visit is behind us I am hoping the necessity of her wheelchair will soon be “History” The doctor confirmed that she had sprained her ankle several weeks ago and wants her to start bearing weight on her foot immediately — as tolerated. Mom has not had any pain in the last four or five days and I won’t be surprised if she starts to leap tall buildings. During the return trip I reviewed what the doctor had prescribed for her and she said “Maybe I can start to be normal now” Perhaps I can get a dose of that too.
Read MoreWe aren’t there yet
The sun has been shining and I’ve managed to get in neighborhood walks for three days now.
The trees are friendly.
Monday morning in the conference room. I didn’t realize mom was going to be joining us at the “Family Meeting” but there we all sat at the big oval table waiting for the verdict. Evaluations and projections were presented and were calling the shots for mom’s future home. It was up to them. Mom surprised all of us by simply sitting comfortably “as-is”. When she was addressed she spoke with her natural charm confirming each one of the progress reports about “her”. In general every one stated she had made exceptional progress in the last week with the suggested next placement for her to be Assisted Living at Garden Villas. She passed the first round! The one glitch was (and still is) her foot and the mysterious pain that continues to interfere with her progress. This is slowing down the improvement she needs to show in therapy in order to be accepted in Assisted Living. We spent most of the afternoon at the hospital getting X-rays and finally a CAT scan but still no clear answer. Next step is an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon Tuesday (tomorrow) afternoon at two o’clock.
It has become abruptly clear to me how important it is for mom to be moved to Assisted living. She has already extended the limits of Independent Living and cannot return to her apartment. I have now been hit hard with the harsh realities of life in a Nursing Home. It took a couple of days for me to take off those rose-colored glasses that first saw mom so comfortably taken care of. She is being cared for but the possibility of her continuing to live in a nursing home is the worst thing I have imagined and I am only seeing this from the rehab section of the facility. It is what they all say it is.
Read More