Slowly but surely
I know mom looks mad but this is the first time I have seen her walking in over a week. She is gaining strength with the physical therapy she is receiving.
It’s Saturday morning and mom has been in rehab for one week. She has now amazed just about everyone around her with her determination, actual improvement and most of all her “Goodness”
That’s my mom! – once again I gloat and try to soak up some of her stamina for myself. I’ve realized this week that mom does not know how to quit. It’s just never been an option for her. Seeing her continue work so hard with so many challenges can often force my sadness to the surface. I want to play the “It’s not fair card” Is this the place she has worked so hard for her entire life to arrive at?
It’s been a hard week.
After a week of steady improvement and getting more adjusted to her surroundings mom’s walker was taken away from her yesterday and she is to use a wheelchair until Monday. This decision, by the therapist, came as a disappointment and mom quickly lost sight of the progress she had made but the reasoning is valid. The biggest issue for mom is the extreme pain she is experiencing in her right foot. It’s still not clear if this was caused by her stroke. No progress has been made this week in alleviating this pain. The plan now is to give it a rest and put no weight on it for the weekend.
Just the facts, ma’am On Monday at 10am I will be in a meeting with the Director of Garden Villas, The Social Worker from Delmar Gardens, the nurse from the Assisted Living section of Garden Villas and most likely a few of mom’s therapists. This, I am told, will give us an idea of where mom will be placed once the possibilities of rehab have been exhausted. A this point I am routing for Assisted Living at Garden Villas.
Read MoreThe Softer Side of Hell
Beauty Queens revisited
Mom had a great day today and is showing amazing signs of regaining strength and doing her Phoenix Rising from the Ashes routine once again. She is comfortably adjusting to her new living quarters and loves her never ending view of the parading activity and action right at her doorstep. Yes, she has had a stroke and is working with the attached challenges —but it has pulled her out of some default isolation and I now see her involved, interacting and clearly thriving on the surrounding activity. The unexpected bonus. I feel like she is settling into being comfortable and safe because she knows she is being taken care of. Accepting the care she needs brings her a new peace.
I needed this day because last night I had my second big meltdown since last summer and I tried to cry my heart out. I clearly pushed myself outside the box and let the hurt happen to me. Today felt like I was being showered with confirmation – supported with divine coincidences, clarity of purpose and the best conversation with cousin Sharon — EVER!
Read MoreBeyond the Oscars
Another Empty Nest – a sleepover for one
Another unusual day on the scale of “Where are we now?” By the time 2pm arrived this afternoon I couldn’t stand the idea of mom being so close and wondered how was I going to pass the next 24 hours at the house without going to see her. The temperatures were fluctuating between 1º and 3º but finally the snow had stopped falling – I knew it would be a quick and easy walk and now hours later I am happy I made the dash for it and I’m here spending the night in mom’s latest “residence” Making myself at home in mom’s x-homes. It’s the irony once again because she is now sleeping just down the hall and through those Double Doors that have always led to Skilled Nursing.
When I arrived mom was peacefully sleeping – I had already been told she had taken a fall in the night. No surprise – I had a feeling she would attempt to get up on her own and forget that she couldn’t really stand up. Her explanation was that she “got sick last night and was under her bed” I’m not really sure if she slid out of bed or actually fell but she repeatedly informed me of the strong man that picked her up like nothing at all and put her back in bed. Bring on the familiar “I’m amazed by how many men there are here” and I have heard it many times today.
Something so sweet.
But on day two I realize I am once again hit with “I don’t know” concerning the big picture. I am told she has an assigned doctor and I hope to meet him/her tomorrow. I have no idea what medications she is taking since her hospital adventure, no idea how her follow up will be maintained – basically no idea of how to pick up all of those things that continue to fall through the cracks. I’m now questioning the surveillance I found such comfort in last night.
Read MoreWho’s that lady?
Andrea and Anna could hardly wait to see mom .
I’m in my morning routine again. Sitting at the kitchen table with my coffee waiting for the first birds to arrive on the patio. Wondering how mom managed her first night at Delmar Gardens and wondering how long I can sit still before rushing over to see her for myself. This morning the choice is not up to me. The neighborhood is covered with a blanket of snow and I have not seen one car on the road. There is no movement and I feel a little bit like I’m in a halfway house. It’s 3º outside and even though I know mom is just a 10 minute walk from here it seems very far away.
The transition from the hospital to Delmar Gardens went very well yesterday afternoon and mom arrived expressing sweet delight and obvious relief. She said she thought it looked like a palace. It was an instant relief for me to see it looked nothing like my previous impressions of a Nursing Home. Colorful decor with an immediate sense of cleanliness and a caring staff. Within minutes I could see how all of the staff members are watching the surroundings – Keeping an eye out. This is the first time mom has had this kind of constant surveillance. It makes me feel like her needs are being met.
Mom is finally home from the hospital in her new home, Delmar Gradens rehab. It’s hard for me to look at how tired we both look.
The bright side for mom is that her bed faces the door and she has an ongoing view of the activity in the hallway. Someone or some event passes by just about every minute and in most cases they also take a quick look into her room. The door is always open. Last night I asked her if she wanted to watch the K-State basketball game (Her favorite) and she said she wanted to watch the people.
In the short time I was there I also realized that the staff hovering had already started and that mom was once again going to be everyone’s star. Love at first sight! And those who already know her from Garden Villas greeted her with joy.
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New storm on the way
Another Kodak Moment
It’s amazing to look back on today and realize I spent nearly all of it sitting with mom in the hospital. It’s ironic that a little over one year ago I showed up to find mom in the exact hospital room. Last year it was 2302B — this time she is in 2302A. She’s been upgraded to the window bed but the view is really of Nothing. I spent most of the day with her but feels like I was just there for a couple of hours. The air was quiet and peaceful. It was low-key but reassuring because mom is communicative and demonstrates a pretty clear understanding of what has happened to her. Her questions are valid and I am happy she is able to ask them even if there aren’t many answers just yet. I was there for her physical therapy today and got the first hand verification that mom can hardly walk but this ability will apparently come back. All testing is now complete and conclusions are being drawn – I wait on the sidelines. This is the Big Deal. There are certainly complications created by what was first described as a mild stroke. Wishful thinking. The stroke is now referred to as “acute” and the loss of blood was from stomach ulcers but the bleeding has stopped. Blood thinners for potential future strokes and bleeding ulcers are a difficult combination for treatment. (I’m learning a lot) I finally had informative, supporting and understandable conversations with doctors which really helps.
The plan for tomorrow is to release mom to a rehab center and luckily it is a part of the complex where she lives. The view outside her window for the last six months at Garden villas has been the Delmar Gardens Rehab center and that’s where she’s will be moved. This is good because she is very familiar with it and there will be people there that she already knows. I am grateful she understands most of the Why’s and What’s of this next transition. She clearly knows that this is what needs to be happening for her.
I’m also grateful that Delmar Gardens will send a wheelchair and van to pick up mom tomorrow. The second major snow storm for the year is predicted to cover the area with as much as 8″ of snow. It’s not a condition I can drive in.
Read MoreGoin’ to Kansas City
Up in the air again and I’m about one hour from landing. Tonight I will see mom in the hospital. Recent events and communications continue to be vague – I’m surrounded by all new territory to maneuver in. I can’t imagine how I will find mom when I see her – I do my best to stop my imagination from coming up with possibilities. I feel like she is being hit from all directions and meanwhile I’m try to find my own grounding in some kind of limbo. Bonding with the unknown again.
I attempt to bring in wider perspectives to make room for all of these changes and allow more possibility. Take a look at the big picture again. I tell myself stories of how mom’s strength has pulled her out of so many jams in the last year. She amazes me every time.
There was actually an event that made me laugh. When I talked to the nurse in Cardiology she told me that they had gotten mom all hooked up on her IVs and who knows what else and left her alone to settle in and rest. When the nurse returned to the room mom had ripped out all of the IVs, jumped out of bed and stood there looking at the nurse – naked. There’s that resilience we’re all counting on! However, after that there was no way to get the IVs back in and a more advanced and risky procedure was required.
I have a hard time when doctors call me at home when they need my consent to take further steps. I don’t have a comfortable response and they just need a basic “Yes or No”. Somewhere inside I am saying/screaming “Now what are you going to do to mom?” Stop. As procedures and test results become more complicated I feel like a foreign language is spoken. Yes, everything is carefully explained to me but I just can’t translate most of what is said. I guess there isn’t an explanation for layman. Actually, I feel the same way when a car mechanic starts going into detail about my engine. What?
……..
I just saw mom and it was better than I expected. She seemed pretty good and is looking like she wants to come back to life.
She lost a lot of blood and they are doing tests tomorrow to see if they can find out why. Meanwhile she is getting two units of new blood.
No word on how long she will be there but I’m sure ill find out more tomorrow.
She had a little physical therapy this morning and it seems like that will be a daily thing.
The Beat Goes On
It seems like I’m getting a lot of practice with just trying to let things roll out on their own. Mom has now been moved to the Cardiology unit and is all hooked up. Last year when she was admitted to the hospital for exhaustion her A-Fib heart was discovered and it took six days before she could leave the hospital. When I was told yesterday that the last test they planned for her was checking her heart and I had a pretty good feeling this is what would happen.
I will hopefully be talking to the doctor at some point today and for now I feel like she is in the safest place she can be. Once again, not wanting to predict what will happen next, I do find myself thinking that when she is released she will be placed in a Rehab and not returning to her home. So, I will wait it out a little longer here in San Anselmo before going to Kansas.
Read MoreCaught by Surprise – again
New directions gain power
This is a tough one for me to start but it must be said. Mom was taken to the hospital yesterday and will be there at least one more night. Tomorrow there will be one last test and then we will know what our next step will be. The MRI showed a minor stroke and today the nurses and doctors seem to be playing it down. Everyone just says, “She’s doing great” and I have no idea of what context to put that in. I do like the way it sounds. Fortunately at this time she is showing no mental difficulty. The level of her mobility is still being determined by the Physical Therapist. Her face is still drooping but this is I am told should pass. Her trunk is slightly tilted to one side — this is the only information I have. So, in some ways it’s “So far, so good” but tomorrow holds the final say. Mom sounds very up-beat on the phone and Lenora spent some time with her this afternoon. What an amazing blessing to have Dean and Martha go to the hospital last night and be with her for the evening.
I’m grateful that both Anna and Andrea were paying such close attention to her behavior and how they acted on it. Anna took a picture of mom’s face and sent it to me. It was shocking to see it so puffy but more that that to realize she only had one side of her smile. They called the nurse right away and off to the hospital she went. I never thought I would come to a place where I would actually count on texting. Now I wait.
Read MoreHome is where the Heart is
The Original Star Still Shines Brightly
It all started with Lenora one year ago – giving mom her unconditional strength and love. She continues to be mom’s Star and for me she opened a door than has allowed mom to accept more and more help from others. Lenora is always there in mom’s Comfort Zone.
Home again and once again fine-tuning my definition of “home”. I find myself wanting to cherish every day I am here knowing that it probably won’t be long before I return to Kansas. That’s OK. I also cherish my time in Kansas because it has become another “home” for me. But, this time I’d just like to stay here in San Anselmo for more than a week — that, however, is usually mom’s “call”.
What’s left on the table now?
I’m taking a look at the last month – seeing the fires we put out, savoring our progress and wanting to then Sweep out the Ashes. Do I see a new direction or do I just need more time and practice with allowing the unfolding to move at it’s own pace? So many things have insisted on going there own way — endings that led to beginnings. The reoccurring question that gets the most hits is still “I don’t know!“ And I don’t — I remind myself that I am not the answer. Let it Be is proving to be the best response in most cases.
The Golden Girls
Mom needs more help. We have now stretched the limits of what Independent Living can provide and moving into Assisted Living seems to be in the near future. I have resistance and want to hold off as long as possible. Mom has grown to call her apartment Home but she needs to be in a place where her care is more immediately available. She has actually come to the point where she says to me, “I need more help”.
It’s great news having Anna back in our lives. She loves mom – it’s really a love-fest for all of us and such a comfort for me. Anna is now mom’s Hovering Angel and is loosely “on-call” until we can establish what the best schedule will be. There are apartments coming up for availability in the next two months and they are the ones I have been on a waiting list for. Maybe this is an invitation from the Unknown. “I don’t know” There are many other Assisted Living homes in the area and I have had little time to research what they have to offer. In my mother’s words “Time will tell”.
Read MoreSick and Tired – Unplugged
Andrea is now the main caregiver from Benefits of Home and mom is always happy to see her.
This is not really the kind of post I like to write but it’s a reality. The shallow protection of denial has ran its course again. Either I had the flu over the weekend or my entire body and being finally shouted – Stop everything!. I gave up and couldn’t help myself. On Monday morning I resurfaced feeling drained of everything I had attempted for months and realized that “Giving it my all” is still not nearly enough – or maybe even wrong. Empty and weak I began the fight with those hungry enemies of my strength and spirit – resentment, blame, judgement. I know “Pointing a finger” does not accomplish and always leads to regret. Insidious toxins that want to take power seize my grounding.
Time to pull myself up for yet another fresh start. What next? Where is this going? What am I not seeing? Waiting for answers, waiting for help. Thankfully I don’t feel alone and abandoned and can usually stay in touch with the Bigger Picture.
I Get By With a Little Help from My Friends
The Flip Side
Mom is waiting with excitement for Jeff to arrive in the “Limo” to escort her home.
Tuesday afternoon and things are lining up better. Now the big deal around the Villas is that the flu has gone wild and many of the residents are catching it. Andrea strongly suggested mom eat dinner in her room and stay out of the dining room. I’m really trying to leave for home in a few days and if mom gets sick that plan will hit a wall and I cant imagine her being able to handle it. She won’t get it! She had her final check-up at the doctor yesterday afternoon and is clear of all infection. Perhaps the antibiotic she is still taking will help keep the flu from finding her. I feel so good about her overall presence and health since she stopped taking her pain medications and cut her blood pressure medication to an even lower dosage. Now the aching legs and difficulty walking are the remaining challenge. The memory issues are constantly lurking in the background. That’s the scariest thing of all.
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