Happy Birthday Mom
It’s ironic that I got a bill for this site today – not the greatest Birthday Wish.
But, it has brought me back to this site and now I wonder if there are still any folks following it.
If so I think I will get back to it.
Read MoreMom Turned 100 on November 1st
It’s been almost one year since I’ve written a blog-post but there has been an inner-draft running in my thoughts for awhile. Probably because I wanted to do something special to celebrate Mom’s 100th birthday and post it on her blog. My first plan was to spend the day in Kansas at Unity Village but that dream eventually moved away from a possible reality. Still, it was fun to plan the trip while it lasted. Instead I spent Mom’s birthday in a silent retreat at Santa Sabina which is located in beautiful grounds inside Dominican University in San Rafael. My goal for the day was to reflect in silence and write 100 memories that I have for Mom, in no particular order. Just streaming thoughts as I took myself back in hindsight through over seventy years. When the list was complete my plan was to finally put another post on mom’s blog. It almost worked but I found myself lost in the process and it never made it to her blog.
As I began to re-visit each memory on the the list I was carried away by more vivid and forgotten thoughts — each single memory became its own story and needed more time and space devoted to it. Now memory lane is looking more like something of a memoir and doesn’t seem to be blog material at all. I’ve never had an intention of writing a memoir and probably won’t but I realize I can’t leave it alone. There is going to be the new way I reflect and spend time with Mom. In my Mother’s own words “Time will tell.”
What ever the case may be — the blog will be diferent. Either it will end or become something new.
On to new directions…
There are currently some folks who have signed up to receive blog posts automatically and I will need to know if they want to remain on the notification list.
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Gifts of Remembering
The Royals winning the World Series felt like Moms birthday present.She would have been glued to the TV.
It’s becoming harder to keep up Mom’s blog but Christmas time invites endless trips down memory lane. I cherish and re-live the memories and realize they are my Christmas presents from Mom. We had a long life of good times together but, the years we spent together before she died were the closest. It was a time of intimacy and friendship that was just for the two of us to share. I realized during those times I would one day look back and be grateful. There was something happening that would really never ever be taken away. I can still hear Mom saying “Live each day and live it well” and we did. It was a time in my own life when I could pretty much drop everything and be 100% for Mom — but I knew it wasn’t just for Mom. We had fun, we laughed and we renewed each others lives. My memories are my treasures. Now I see mothers and daughters together in stores, restaurants— in public and I can relive a certain joy. I watch my own friends with my heart as they spend time with their mothers knowing more than ever what a special time it is. It’s never really completely lost.
Peanut Butter Ball meditation.
The finishing touches
This year my thoughts are even more on Mom’s friends and the loving bonds they shared. She was always available with her certain sparkle because she loved people and could be positive in any situation. Often I would think she didn’t even know how to say the word “No.” She always put everyone before herself never wanting credit or attention. She once told me a story from her childhood when she was excited to be able to buy a new dress but she wanted her best friend to wear it first. When I asked her “Why?” she was never able to come up with a answer. She did say that she wore the dress later.
Anyone who her knew for very long had tasted her peanut butter balls. This Christmas they may even be wishing there was a little box of them under their tree. She probably made a thousand of them. It was a tedious process that was usually broken into a two day process. But, she always seemed to just lose herself while she was making them. I don’t think I ever saw her actually eat one but she loved making them —just to give them away. She encouraged me to make them. This is something I have still not been able to pull-off, mostly because I don’t seem to have her patience.
Dick Clark New Year’s Eve
Every year she watched The Sound of Music like it was the first time she’s ever seen it. And always repeated the story of how I insisted that we go into San Francisco to see it because I had loved seeing it so much. That was in 1965. Her New Year’s Eve tradition was to watch Dick Clark and she always managed to stay wide awake until midnight. And now as the new year approaches I find a certain comfort in new ways I will live on with my mother.
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Mom use to say…
Window Shopping Proof
The question of where to take Mom’s blog next continues to come up for me – I can’t put it to rest. One final relevant topic is is still on the way – the completion of the marble gravestone for Mom’s grave. Fortunately they take care of the installation. The promised delivery date to the cemetery is scheduled for late October and I hope it will arrive before her birthday, November 1st. – also The Day of the Dead and one of my favorite holidays.
November 1st
Day of the Dead
The Day of the Dead holds even deeper meaning for me now because it’s the same day as Mom’s birthday. I want to Celebrate Mom’s life —always. From now on I will celebrate her birthday on an official holiday that honors the dead.
Mom use to say…
One of Mom’s favorite expressions “Live each day and live it well.” is a reoccurring reminder for me for how much each day has to offer. I think Mom said it at least once a day and when anyone asked her how she had managed to live such a long and healthy life it was always her immediate answer.
I still have lively conversations in my head with Mom and have fun talking to her. I play to reruns to live-again what could soon forgotten. Sometimes during the day, without warning, her words attach themselves to something I am doing. I hear things she use to say. I say things to her I wish I would have said. It’s a place for me to go when I want to home alone with Mom. The life time lessons that are still with me — they have not been lost. She’s still my greatest teacher.
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Blogging about Mom
Mom always enjoyed her visits to the doctor. Everyone loved her and for some reason she was able to accept and enjoy the attention.
A time comes for many daughters when they realize that their mothers need their help—even if they aren’t ready to ask for it. The continuing care may be met in various ways but the need never lessens. It is rocky and winding but it is beautiful. I guess there is no such thing as One Way Home.
Even though it’s been more than a year since Mom died questioning thoughts still surface in me. What was really best for Mom? Did I make the right choices for her along the way? What if I would have moved her back to her home? I can’t help but ask and I will never know. Every decision I made came with new questions and there were often unexpected “events” making it even harder. Most of the time my answer to each question was “I don’t know” and I usually didn’t. Now I remind myself that I did the best I could. I am grateful I was there for Mom and that she was still there for me. I don’t think this is a guilt trip. I’m just reflecting and wondering if this will one day settle into some kind of completion. Maybe closure doesn’t mean closed for good. It’s still an open book.
Mom loved going out for dinner and Cheddars was usually her first choice.
Writing in this blog helped me keep things somewhat linear. It provided a path for me to adhere to so I wouldn’t linger or get stuck—quit. I made myself stay with it and it was grounding. I’m happy I did because now I have a personal “Book of Mom” filled with the beautiful journey we shared. But I feel like the “book” is coming to a close because there aren’t really any new chapters. I am waiting for the mortuary to deliver Mom’s gravestone to the cemetery in Wellington and that will probably feel like full-circle. After that the ongoing events will mostly be anniversaries, flashbacks and trips back to Kansas.
Read MoreThe Long Way Home
July 1982 Our last family photograph. Mom and Dad came to California for a visit. Dad died three years later.
I don’t think about Mom like I did last year at all anymore. Unexpected perspectives are now inviting new definitions. I recognize this as Closure and it feels like I’m finding my roots. For some reason I believed I had missed the closure part of my transition and I knew it was an important part of the process. It seemed like I had given it enough time to show up— seal things up. I wanted to experience it but I had to wait for it to come in its own time. I couldn’t write the script for the unknown. I couldn’t “stage” it.
Something changed when Guy and I went to Wellington to bury Mom’s ashes and I am in a new place. Closure finally came and has turned yet another page for me.
Now I find myself rewinding the story of my life and I have new perspectives to consider. I look at photographs with new eyes. At times it feels like I’m watching reruns and have been given a chance to see what I missed or forgot about. Until now I’ve just had one version of “What happened in my life” and there has always been only one story. It’s the same story I’ve been telling myself my whole life. Now I can push Replay and see more to the story.
Thanksgiving – the 1960’s One of my favorite family traditions remains to be Thanksgiving. It was the same every year for so many years. When I look at these photos I realize they are probably taken from four different Thanksgiving dinners and they look pretty much the same. But, it’s shocking to see Dad wearing a suit and tie. That photo is from 1963 and had forgotten we still got dressed up for dinner.
It’s also clearer to me now why I have not been able to look at photos of Mom since she died. “That last year” was really the worst part of everything that ever was. I couldn’t find access to the Big Picture. Most of the things that had happened in the last seventy years were blocked. That last part is what I was left with and there just wasn’t a place for Me and Mom to be and I couldn’t get myself out of it. It was over and I didn’t have the code to log back in to the beginning. I didn’t know where or how to put Mom in a new context. I needed closure.
Now I have a whole lifetime — a family. As I shuffle through this lifetime I can put myself in each photograph and I stay with it longer. Finding things I missed or have forgotten about. And, those unforgettable things I still cherish and just want to polish. This is a better version of Memory Lane.
Read MoreBack to the Future — R.I.P.
Guy and Nancy at Prairie Lawn Cemetery. Several hours after we buried Mom a severe storm came in with thunder, lightening, hail and tornado warnings. The Heavens spoke to Mom once again. April 18, 2015
“When is final – final? When is Closure closed?” I now accept that it is an ongoing process— the process has a completion or turning point and a new place is entered. It’s not an end—just the next place. I had tried to imagine how it would feel to take Mom’s ashes to Wellington and to bury her with my father and grandparents. I couldn’t let go of trying to imagine or prepare myself for how it would be—setting the stage for a new future. I had no idea how much more there would be for me and how it hold me.
I hadn’t realized how much I was still holding on to my old version of Mom. I continued to see her old needs and my own needs but those needs were gone. I didn’t have a new point of reference. This had become a habit — I was still protecting Mom. I couldn’t let go and I was unaware of the necessity to release her into what I saw as a vague emptiness. The Unknown appeared to be lonely and uninviting – even when I told myself it had to be. She was gone and I didn’t have a way of explaining that to myself in the context of the future. Where would I find her? How could I connect? Now I know she is truly Resting In Peace. She is finally Home with my father and her parents. It feels good. It feels Right – like the dots have successfully been contacted. I didn’t expect this and I am grateful for the clarity, comfort and peace of mind I feel.
Mom’s old next door neighbors.,Glen and Dee. They moved to a town near Wellington a few years ago and came to the burial. It made it all seem like more of a ceremony.
In a way I have to admit to myself that she is not Mine anymore. She is Dad’s now and that reunion has brought my whole family back together in a new and long forgotten context. There is a lot of history to uncover in the years of separation. I’m looking forward to putting together a vintage patchwork quilt with cherished family photographs. Memory Lane has never looked more inviting..
Read MoreApproaching — happily ever after
Job well done! Relaxing after some enthusiastic gardening.
Is it really safe for me to say “the worst part is over?” Even though the one year milestone was more difficult that I was prepared for everything seemed clearer and better when it was finally over. I thought the day would drag on for centuries but the next morning when I woke up the last year and the future seemed to fall into some kind of new order. Manageable. I wasn’t expecting the brighter side to emerge so fast and I welcome it.
Now the upcoming trip to Kansas seems lighter and with a more comfortable purpose. It will be fun for Guy and I to be in Wellington and try to retrieve some bits and pieces of our childhood summers spent there. It’s beginning to feel like I am re-defining my family. The future will be built on new impressions of my past. In a way it feels like we will all be together again. Now I’m excited about organizing all of the photographs and it will finally be a pleasure to look at them once again.
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April 3rd – The First Year
Time to change my refrigerator. The only thing new in the last two years is the MOM magnet I took off of her fridge.
I really didn’t know what to expect as this day drew closer but I guess I wan’t expecting it to be so leveling — like a truck ran over me. Kind of a dull aftershock. As the years go on I’m sure it will be a little easier but for now it’s filled with remembering the sadness we were experiencing last year during the last couple of days. Mom was trying so hard to be alive. Nothing really made much sense and we were both exhausted beyond relief.
In a more constructive mode I am moving forward by finally sorting out all of the Mom photos and moving the ones taken during her last couple of weeks out of range. I haven’t been able to even look at photos and have realized that the later ones are the worst to see. I have the same photos on my refrigerator that were put there two years ago and even though they are “the best” I still have not been able to look at them. It’s time to edit the door!
The “Mom” bridge at Phoenix Lake. It’s a place visit often and every time I cross the bridge I toss a very shiny penny for Mom.
The next thing is to change the cover page of this website so it makes more sense in current times. It will now be more of a family Cyber home for The Railsbacks. Home Page
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The Final Week
Today it is twenty-nine years since my father’s death and three days from today it will be one year since Mom’s death. Dad died on Easter and this coming Friday is Good Friday. March 31st and April 3rd are only three days apart and in the years to come they will probably become more significant dates for me than their birth dates. I’m calling this week – The Week That Was and it will always be a reflective time of rebirth and renewal for me.
Watching the cardinals perch on Mom’s fence is a favorite memory
Plans are now shaping up for a trip to Kansas in a couple of weeks. The main event will be for Guy and I to spend the weekend in Wellington to take Mom’s “cremains” to the Prairie Lawn Cemetery. This is the final resting place for Dad and Grandma and Grandpa. Mom will soon reunite with her family. This will be the first time Guy and I have been in Wellington in over fifty years. We have never gone to the family grave sites. We both have fond memories of our childhood summer trips to Kansas to visit our Grandparents and cousins. I’m hoping some of what we see in Wellington will have a familiar feel for us.
The rest of the trip will be in Kansas City/Overland Park. I’m looking forward to revisiting many familiar places and reuniting with friends and family.
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