Clearing the air
I entered the weekend realizing I was so tired of being mad at mom and I needed to flush out all of the lingering unfinished business and tension. We have done all we can at this time and even though we still have appointments next week they are already set up and they don’t feel like traps I have had to set for her participation. Now I feel like I’m coming into a calm space and reconnecting with the blessing of being with my mother and enjoying the special time we have together.
Listening to some serious news.
- Highlights of some day-to-day events this week
- The saga of the green comforter is working it’s way to a big success. We returned the first comforter to Bed Bath and Beyond and then found the perfect one at Macy’s. Mom is delighted because she has been talking about getting a new one for years. This one is not entirely out of the “Return” zone but we should know for sure by tomorrow. I know mom is just about as addicted to returning items as she is shopping for them.
- The For Sale sign is up next door and the reality of Glenn and Dee leaving is unavoidable. I suppose the blessing in disguise is it will help mom realize how much more isolated she will be with them gone.
- Mom decided to have a perm on Tuesday. Her new shoes are so comfortable she decided to buy another pair in a different color. I see more new socks on the horizon.
- We spent Wednesday at the hospital for a CT scan. It was an ordeal for mom but nothing serious was found and we feel better just having the air clear.
Summer Solstice
Maybe we’ll cover more territory today because it’s the longest day of the year. It has come to my attention how much time I am wasting when I allow mom to put up the same fight every time I bring up a change. I’m not expecting this to be easy for either one of us but it could be easier if she would consider working with me once in awhile. I’ve been calming myself by reading the thesaurus – looking for new words to stretch my definition of patience. “Good-natured tolerance of delay” seems fitting.
I just wanted to get a quick idea of how the color would work before mom decides to return the comforter – Green is good.
Tuesday I put a pitch in for visiting another “home”. It had taken a few days of rest from the terror of me bringing up any kind of future life style change. I padded the plan by offering a few “shop-stops” we would make while we were out. I’ve grown to rely on just mentioning “shopping” as an instant mood elevator. Mom was surprisingly agreeable and remembered Park Meadows from a visit we made a few years ago. This visit seemed to be an all around hit for mom. That was unexpected and it was nice to see her participating by asking questions. However, this good reaction eventually faded. Most of the good feelings return to the default – I’m not ready to move.
Various fall-outs have finally made mom realize that the option of having someone come into her home and help her might not be so bad after all. This was not up for discussion a week ago. Now she is clear that continuing to be on her own is no longer one of her choices. This understanding is progress but it is hard for her to admit she does need assistance a lot more than before. It’s a slow but necessary realization and a lot like accepting no longer being able to drive.
I’m happy to say we have an appointment with a Johnson County Social Worker on Monday and will find out what kind of in-home services are available for her. She seems to be fine with this meeting. Yes!
Read MorePatience – A Virtue or Denial in Disguise?
I really don’t like the thought that I have to blow up and get into some kind of flareup with mom to break through to a step further. We’ve never had this kind of “communication” until the last few years when it surfaced. I’m sure it has to do with me telling her what to do and that’s understandable. My “suggestions” for a change in her life style are not easily received. It happened six months ago when the very idea of Meals on Wheels first came up as a possible necessity. That was not a pretty discussion at the time but today she sees the value. Now the Meals on Wheels delivery is a major focal point every Monday through Friday.
So, after all of my excitement from our visit to Garden Villa I didn’t want her to relapse into her “nothing needs to happen right now” zone. We hit the crash zone again. My patience slid to the back seat and road rage took the wheel. There we stood in the parking lot of Stein Mart yelling “pointless points” at each other. I was hoping no one was overhearing this and considering reporting it as a case of elder abuse.
But, much later I realized how it had cleared the air and we were both ready to keeping moving forward. Sometimes I think I should let go of being so patient and put some force behind what I’m trying to maneuver.
I told mom that I was not my intention to make her move. Right now I was not asking her to pack her suitcase and decide what furniture she wanted to take with her. But, while I was here I needed to know what options were available for her when she decided to move or (more importantly) if something unexpected happened and she HAD to move while I was back in California. She needed to realize that when I am here and see here going through her more difficult days when she “doesn’t feel good” – I was not convinced she could take the best care of herself, on her own – all of the time. I let her see that I do not want to be back home and get a call telling me something serious has happened and the time to move is NOW. I don’t want to be searching through the yellow pages to quickly find a place for her to call home. And, looking at what is available is in no way forcing a commitment for her to move right now. We need to look at as many options as we can while I am here.
Well, that’s about as soft as I can make it sound.
Read MoreOn the Move
Caught in action!
Under the dryer
Mom just had a week of doing what ever she wanted. I knew that at the end of the week we had an appointment at Garden Villa to get kind of a bird’s eye view of what was in store for her if she moved into assisted-living.
All week she shopped and shopped even more than ever and even had her hair done again. She basically wore herself out but loved it all. We take her walker everywhere we go now. Zoom! She races through the aisles like she’s behind the wheel of a sports car.
Curls Curls Curls
Friday afternoon and as we stepped out of Macy’s she announced her next “shop-stop”. I said “No, mom, remember we have that appointment. I held my breath knowing that I am just as unsure of what should be done as she is. I realized the first thing that needed to happen for me was – I had to like this place first and feel like it was the right move to be considering for her. Bingo! It was even more impressive than I could have imagined. And, Mom seemed to be sincerely interested in following along on the tour. She had a smile on her face and I could even see her looking out of the corner of her eye – lingering on some things a little longer. She was not kicking and screaming in search of the nearest way out.
Now I need to figure out some ways to reflect this enthusiasm back to her so she can start to believe and remember that she really did like at least some of what she saw. For my eyes it looked like she fit right in and I quickly found comfort picturing her actually living there. However, today she seems to have no interest in discussing it any further and would rather go shopping again. She needs to look for some nicer socks to wear with her new shoes. Sometimes I feel like she could pass for a 13 year old.
Read MoreGood Days and “other” days
It’s been just about a week and I have a clearer understanding of mom’s “range of daily activity”. She is moving at a slower pace and at times she is less aware or concerned about what’s going on around her. When this behavior pops up I say to myself “She can’t possibly be left on her own for any long period of time”. A new kind of Panic sets in for me! This is one extreme and the reverse behavior is the sweet little lady that one would never dream was 96 years old. She continues to be in the spotlight every time we go out. The poster child of her neighborhood. Now I go back and forth weighing future possibilities – trying to know what’s next for her care.
Things are moving toward a parts of life I am not familiar with. I want to be able to embrace the changes and keep mom in the best place available for her.
Something of a Meditation while waiting for the doctor. I’m sure Miley Cryus never thought a 96 year old woman would be wearing her pants one day.
Before I arrived she had started talking about feeling like it was time for her to move into assisted-living. I think she is still leaning in that direction but now that I’m with her she is more energized and her daily life is more active. Now it doesn’t seem like she’s so anxious to move or to even talk about it. She still doesn’t understand how beneficial ongoing activity with people is to her overall well being. The elevation of her spirits and mental activity is one of the many things assisted-living would provide for her. She is still easily motivated and always loves interacting with everyone around her. The success of Meals on Wheels is not just about the food delivery – the greetings from the volunteers and just the excitement of the doorbell ringing are equally as important. I am so grateful for the impact of Meals on Wheels. It’s a whole new take on “Let’s do Lunch”.
Spring 2013 Arrival
Everything is beautiful Green Green Green. The patio has new birds and the plants and bushes on the verge of blooming. The little red birdhouse is new and anxiously waiting for visitors. I figured out how to take off the storm windows upstairs so I can have fresh air and mom will have no idea when she turns up the heat. I’m happy to have that worked out.
A night out on the town. We went to Chedders tonight.
Mom had her hair done this afternoon and tomorrow she has a doctor appointment. These are the two main activities she would normally be driving to but fortunately she is still not driving. That’s a huge relief.
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Keeping up with Mom
It’s hard to leave mom and go home to California where I wait for my worry and wondering to kick in. I plan to return in June.
My intention is to keep updates about mom posted as they develop. At this time I plan to spend time with her in Kansas about every two months. My last visit was for two weeks and somehow that didn’t seem like enough time but the time before that was over two months but that was longer because she had been in the hospital. Who Knows? Coming up with what is Best for mom is not easy or clear.
Loving Support continues…
Lucky Mom – Leonor took her to the new HyVee to do some shopping and I can tell by this photo that she is delighted to see the little pound cakes are still on sale at 5 for a dollar!
There is no way I could be so far away from mom and find comfort knowing she is safe and being looked after. It continues to be her decision to not hire much extra help around the house and to rely on the neighbors, friends and Leonor. That’s not what I call “Enough” but I have to constantly remind myself that she has lived very successfully for 96 years and the last 27 of those years she has been alone. She is doing something right!
We talk every day and Dean stops each evening and brings her the paper and neighborhood news. Today he cleaned out the gutters because they were filled with pine needles from the much needed rain. Today is his birthday HAppy Birthday Dean!
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Tuesday Afternoon
The familiar Kansas landscape. On a clear day you can see forever. Waiting for the green light while I’m out doing last minute errands.
Here we are – ready for the airport. Many thanks to Dean & Martha for the fabulous airport shuttle and the pleasure of mom be able to ride along.
Now I’m sitting in the Las Vegas airport waiting for my flight home and kind of filled with mixed thoughts about mom and how she will manage on her own in the next few months. Realizing I need to let her make her own choices as long as she is able and sometimes finding it hard not to be forceful when I disagree. This is mostly around her final decisions regarding her ongoing medications. But, it’s reassuring for me to know she is safe, very careful in her daily movement and finally eating enough food. Hopefully she won’t decide to drive anywhere. I continue to be grateful for the many loving eyes keeping watch on her well being.♥
Read MoreEaster Weekend | Remembering Dad
3-31-13 Mom really wanted to go to church and she always loves seeing all of the children come streaming in at the end. There must have been 50 children crowed in the front of the church. A good show for mom! Later we went to Jack Stacks for lunch with special honor for Dad and the strength she has maintained for the last 27 years. 
Easter Morning To my dear cousin, Sharon. Thank you for your call last night. You have no idea how much you cheered mom up. It was wonderful for me to hear her laughing with you as you both talked about your dad. I know you don’t especially like this photo of you but it’s all I have right now. In some way you are the only living relative mom has and she feels so close and connected to you. Yet another angel for mom. Happy Easter.
Saturday This visit with mom is not going as smoothly as I originally hoped but we are finding what is best. Managing the new medication routine and adjusting her home supervision are the big issues. No more weekly visits from her Home Nurse – that was a three month resource from Medicare and it was a huge benefit. I continue to be grateful for Leonor. The comfort, security and “answers” she provides help keep mom strong and enthusiastic.
Mom is very fortunate to have a caring and sensible Doctor with such a qualified staff. She is a “Star” when she shows up at the office. Her care and personal attention is beyond what one would expect to find in the changing Health Care of our current times.
Read MoreSpring 2013
It’s wonderful to be back in the mom-routine even if it’s just for 2 weeks. The crazy snow storm makes it feel a lot like it should have felt when I was here in the winter.
Fortunately mom loves to go to the doctor. It’s really no wonder because she is a star while she is there and pampered beyond what she would ever believe she could actually accept. Troy and Leonor are always by her side.
My favorite news is realizing how much mom loves Meals on Wheels. I honestly think she plans every day around this event – even deciding what to wear. When the food arrives she immediately takes it into the kitchen and gives it a complete inspection and taste. She gradually sits down as the “little tastes” continue. The “taste” activity sometimes leads to actually eating half of the meal. This is a big deal because the food arrives every day about an hour after she’s already eaten a big breakfast. This helps explain why she has gained nearly 5 pounds since my last visit. Now she weighs 80 pounds!
The new HyVee store has opened and brings changes and new challenges for mom. The store is huge and is an enormous benefit to the area. But, for mom, it’s further away, unfamiliar to get around in and requires a lot more walking just to “cover” the store. The timing is interesting because mom is also at a point where she needs to reevaluate her way of grocery shopping. It is my hope that she will continue to feel comfortable asking her friends & neighbors to “pick a few things up at the store” for her.
View of only part of the new HyVee store seen from the restaurant upstairs.