Mom

The Gap between visits

Posted on Dec 14, 2013

Shari and Ken brought mom homemade pumpkin pie and a lot of joy!

In a week I will be on my way to Kansas. I’ve only been home for one month but there is continuing activity at “The Villas” and mom is managing well most of the time. This would not be possible without the continuing assistance and love she receives from her friends, neighbors and her Care Taking Crew.
For me the good news is mom made her way through the long Thanksgiving Weekend. That was a big concern for me because it was the one year “mark” since she was in the hospital last November. What an unexpected year it has been. At this point I think mom is accepting the need for the extra help she now has on Sunday evening. It’s just two hours and intended to be a little boost to get her set up for the next week. But for me it’s a relief just knowing someone is there on Sunday night confirming that she has made it through the weekend – that she is alright.

Mom’s overall well-being still seems to go between some good days and some “Off” days. It’s getting much harder for me to “read” what any of her days are like now. I pretty much have to rely on the sound of her voice to get a sense of how she is doing rather than what she is actually saying.  Things change fast and being far away makes clarity more and more difficult.

My next visit will focus on determining what her developing needs are along with the unfortunate fact that Lucy and her loving team of caretakers are all leaving The Villas January 1st. Their absence will be a big deal for her. They have successfully made mom comfortable living with personal assistance. They have made her transition from living in her Home to living in Garden Villas workable, acceptable and possible. What next?  There will be a new company, Benefits of Home,  taking over and hopefully the transition will be smooth right now it feels like an abrupt interruption. So I’m off to Kansas next week with the full intention of putting myself right in the middle of whatever comes down.

Not in Kansas anymore

Posted on Nov 16, 2013

Birthday socks at rest.

This of course means it’s time for me to back-off and let mom function on her own. The perspective of being nearly 2000 miles away helps force me into this reality .
Mom continues to be fueled with such strong determination and I don’t know how I could make it with out realizing what a resource this is for both of us. We come from a family motto of “What can you do but go on?” and that’s what she does with the best of spirits. I’m still baffled by her strength.

Last view of the glowing tree in the parking lot.

Now we will talk on the phone daily and friends and neighbors will rally around her as we move through the next month. Tomorrow will be Sunday with some new changes and challenges for her. She will be getting a lot more personal care and at this point she see it as a big interruption that I am throwing at her. She’s mad and insists that it is not necessary. Angry that she has to go along with the plan. I tell her that I appreciate her resistance because it is coming from a place of her own strength. I know her strength is building  but this decision is actually more for me than for her. I have to feel comfortable about her well-being and safety when she is alone. Now she will have a light evening meal delivered and a caretaker will arrive a 5 and stay with her until 8. Who know what direction this will go!

Conversations and eye-openers

Posted on Nov 12, 2013

The blue chair is the center of mom’s universe. When I left her this morning she was comfortable and in good spirits.

It’s Show time once again!   I’m happy to say that yesterday mom had her best day in my entire visit. This morning she feels good and is getting back into her regular routine. Here we go again.

November 11, 2013 Garden Villas threw a big party to celebrate Veterans Day with music, food and a real-good-time-for-all feeling. The Vets were out to party and tell their stories. Mom had a fun just people watching.

Video Preview of the closing song. God bless America. The video is just about one minute long and if you decide to watch it be sure you have the volume turned down if you happen to be in a quiet place.

My Arrival three weeks ago and My first impression was clearly seen through the Rose glasses. I wasn’t ready to look at the sorry sight I was greeted with. Mom was an unexpected mess with both of her legs in one leg of her pajamas and a wildly lost expression to greet me. Something new had moved in. A lot of extra help and daily diagnosis was needed for at least a week and half.  In hindsight I am grateful for the the timing of my visit because I learned essential new things about her care and preventive steps to take from now on. The primary cause for this change was from a bladder infection. It was the worst thing I have ever seen mom go through and the relief of her healing and recovery is still bringing me calm and gratitude. A valuable eye-opener.

During this visit mom and I have had a lot of good conversations about how she is doing and what new needs she has. I’m still happy with how well she has adjusted to her new living situation – her new home. She seems to be getting more comfortable feeling like it is actually “home” and now that she has gotten past her infection I think she will enjoy it even more. I hope. There are going to be a lot of changes in the management in December and at this point it seems pretty clear to me that Lucy and her wonderful crew will be replaced. This will create a big challenge for mom, for me and actually for many of the current residents. I hope for some good news that the changes will bring but right now it just looks like a lot more money and I can’t say how personal the service will be. I have not mentioned this to mom yet but I have hired someone from the new agency to spend three hours with her every Sunday from five until eight in the evening. Mom is furious about this new arrangement and I can’t help but remember the wild arguments we go into when I finally forced her to accept Meals on Wheels -just to give it a try.In the end she loved Meals on Wheels and perhaps this new “step-in” will be something she looks forward to.

Never on Sunday

Posted on Nov 11, 2013

Waiting for lunch

The tree outside is always my first focal point and it has been fun to watch the daily color changes while I’ve been here. Everyday it looks like a new tree!

For some reason Sunday is the most difficult day for mom to make her way through. I don’t know when this started or why it happens but I have observed its difficulty for the last year.  I started this blog when she was admitted to the hospital – on the Sunday after Thanksgiving last year. Now I am always on an extra alert for how she is getting along on any Sunday and it will be the day of my most concern when I leave her. I have hired some extra care and I hope this will cover the “spaces” – because that’s what happens – she gets spacy and needs someone to bring her attention back to the moment. The main meal is always at 1 o’clock on Sunday and since I have been here she has had a hard time keeping herself  “collected” for the entire meal every Sunday.  I thought today might be different because she was dressed, hungry and quite excited about heading down to the dining room. I’m happy to see she is getting a lot of physical strength and coordination back. Everything was good as the meal started but there is always a long waiting period between the soup and the main course and that’s when she starts to wander. I’m trying to encourage the other two women at her table to keep a conversation going.

I guess this is just a little snippet of my nervousness around leaving on Tuesday. It’s been a good visit and she is basically still doing very well. It’s interesting and fortunate that I happen to be here when she had her collapse. I makes me wonder who will step in when I’m not around watching her every move or at least always fairly near by. I realize there will need to be some new arrangements when I return.

Posted on Nov 9, 2013

Once again I have been here in Kansas for longer than planned – new dramas have forced new solutions and now I feel like I can leave – at least for awhile.

This morning I will write-about-it first and then check in with mom to see how she is awakening into her day. Once again I have fallen into the habit of seeing how mom is doing and letting that determine how I am doing. I know this is all wrong but it pulls me in. It’s time for me to switch gears in my own life. It’s time to take the training wheels off of mom and see if she can ride without falling. Literally without falling!

The past week has shown a major recovery for mom from the mental collapse she was experiencing. She is relating much clearer but her overall motor skills and level of concentration have weakened. This seems to be the new area of re-evaluation for me. I don’t really know how to juggle her caregivers and that will most likely be my big concern when I am gone. She has also gotten too comfortable having me around every day. But, Hey! What’s a girl to do?

My plan is to leave on Tuesday afternoon.

Precious Rebound

Posted on Nov 6, 2013

I take full responsibility for buttoning up mom’s sweater.

The House Doctor
Lucy has been nursing a serious “boo-boo”on mom’s arm for about a month now.

Mom and I had a very encouraging visit at the doctor’s office today. Everything is better  – in terms of the things that can get “better”.

Tomorrow I start some research on what kind of extra care will be needed for mom’s changing needs.

I am constantly reminded and grateful for the tender hands-on-help that Lucy and Anna surround mom with. They must appear like saving lights in a storm she doesn’t realize she’s caught in when they show up.

Click here…Watch mom get in the car.
(Attempting to add a little video to the blog.)

Flight delayed

Posted on Nov 5, 2013

There have been so many changes in mom’s overall “being”  since I arrived that I have decided to stay for another week. I realized that daily events with a constant flow of obstacles were actually showing me the decision was beyond a choice.

Last night after I cancelled my plane flight I felt an instant gush of relief. It has taken the last two weeks for both mom and I to find our way through this shifting between where we are and where we were. Many things need to be left behind.and I am trying to know what the next best place to be is.  I don’t want the past to feel like baggage. I want to let go of the excess weight of trying to keep it alive in my terms – that’s not life’s design.

November 1st 2013 – Happy Birthday Mom!

Posted on Nov 3, 2013

Mom is about to blow out the 97 candles

Martha with Edward and Eric wearing her handmade Halloween costumes.

Mom’s day was filled with love and celebration. Dean & Martha made an apple spice  birthday cake and the grand children joined them dressed in their Halloween costumes. I joined mom for dinner and it looks like there will be a new resident sitting at her table. After dinner Kaitlyn arrived with a dozen red roses and a sweet visit.

It’s early Sunday morning and I’m making my way through my morning routine when I take my time at the house as I gradually wake up. It feels like my own sacred space where I can gather strength and then come up with some loosely projected clarity of what my priorities should be.  At the same time I remind myself that accepting anything as the moment presents it is the best plan. Then I hop mom’s and I’m off to greet the new day with her. Outside her door I take a deep breath and quietly enter. How was her night and can we make this day be a place we want to be?

Mom reading the birthday poem Frine wrote for her.

Kaitlyn with mom and the red roses.

The New Halloween

Posted on Oct 31, 2013

Last night mom returned to the dinner table. I’m so happy Hazel is back.

Lydia came by for a Trick or Treat surprise. Perfect for mom.

This morning treat was to find mom up and about and now I’m hoping for a full day of no new costumes. I have never experienced a Halloween like this one – I’m calling it The Halloween Season and I will welcome the sight of street clothes  tomorrow. To once again be surrounded by people without a disguise because reality is getting a little too vague for me to recognize. Costumes are fun but not recognizing people you love can be scary. Everywhere I look I see people colorfully trying to look like someone else. Meanwhile I’m trying to find the familiar sight of my mother. Crazy timing!

At the Halloween Party

But on a brighter note for color –  I am loving the explosion of colorful trees everywhere in the fall foliage. This is the first time I’ve been in Kansas in October. I’m seeing colors I have never seen before and I know it helps me keep the big picture in mind.

What happened?

Posted on Oct 30, 2013

All Day Tuesday – hitting air-brakes,  hitting false brakes when you aren’t even driving the car. You know it’s not doing any good but the “reaching” is automatic.  I know Mom has good days and mom has bad days but now throughout each day things can change a lot.  Yesterday I had to adjust my rose colored glasses – take off my blinders. I had to look more closely at what I didn’t want to see. Something deeper about mom had changed. She was having a hard time doing anything and I was having a hard time keeping myself strong enough to accept what was happening. I couldn’t make it go away. I have yet to experience a day filled with so much weakness and disorientation and I could see she was having a difficult time with the chaos and confusion before her. Her speech was slow, slurred and sentences were hard to finish. At times she could hardly stand up – she would look at me and say What am I going to do?  The only answer I could find was I don’t know but I couldn’t let her hear it.

The trees look like fireworks.

Wednesday Morning I’m still At the House, waiting to go see mom – to see how she managed the night – to see what the new day will bring.  I’m relieved knowing she has a doctor appointment in the afternoon.

Much Better on arrival. Mom slept until after 10 o’clock and awakened with returned ease of motion and comprehension. She ate a big breakfast and took all of her medication without “much” prompting. She seemed grounded with renewed strength. But later she fell back into that space, that void.

Relief. We just returned from the doctor and he feels mom’s confusing behavior and weakness is related to her bladder infection and not stroke related – that was my main worry yesterday. I’m still not feeling 100% at ease but I know this is something I have to learn to live with. I find myself remembering times earlier this last year with her when I felt helpless. I know I have to come to some kind of terms with myself where I just let go.  I have to believe I can know when my time to fix things is up.