Finding “A Place to call Home”
Bumble Bee
I’m back in Kansas again and realize that getting the wording right about what to call home has been an awkward redefinition for me. “The House” vs. “Home”. I’m staying in the somewhat old and empty “house” and it’s just five blocks away from where mom is living in her new “home”. She refers to “the old one” as “back at the house” and this is said without any lingering attachment. I worried that she might have regrets but so far she does not look back. That seems like a little miracle because it hasn’t even been three months since she moved. I would have to say that the two things mom misses are driving her car and doing laundry. I wonder if the time will come when she will call where she lives now “Home”. Mom has good days and she has difficult days but I don’t think she ever feels like she shouldn’t have made the move. Meanwhile I try to ground myself somewhere in between the two places but am grateful she has made such a beautiful transition.
This visit I will have more of an opportunity to see what “A day in the life ” actually looks like for mom. She’s definitely got the logistics of Garden Villas down and gets around on her own a lot of the time. Lucy and her crew are always hovering somewhere so I never have to feel like she will get stuck somewhere.
There is a nice sense of community and that is something she was missing living on her own Back at the House. Yes, she had fabulous neighbors but fortunately she still has them all in her life. Her old neighborhood is just minutes away and friendly visits are frequent appreciated.
Dean(Stained Glass) and Martha (Quilting) surrounded by their creative expression.
Dean and Martha continue to go out of this world for her and I often wonder if she would have managed her life in the past few years so well if they would not have been so involved in her livelihood. Dean continues to bring her the paper every night. And, now she also has new neighbors and is getting acquainted with new faces and activities. She is surrounded with people who are kind of like her and I can already see how that is a comfort to her.
Guy and Frine were here for several days and the Oktoberfest was taking place at Villa Gardens. It was fun for them to have an opportunity to join in on some of the social aspects of mom’s new surroundings. It meant a lot to mom to have a chance to spend time with them both. I also feel like it gave Guy a much more realistic idea of how mom is getting along and adjusting not only to her new home but also facing and expressing her aging issues
Dean & Martha, Guy & Frine with mom at the Oktoberfest.
Guy at the entrance to Garden Villas
Rollin’ on…
Sharon & Kaitlin came for their first visit
History is now recording two full months for mom living and enjoying her life in “retirement” She is clearly settling in and continues to evolve and jump into new adventures. It has been just over one month since I’ve seen her and I was so happy to see the photos Sharon sent. I almost felt like I could touch her. It was confirming for me to see she is looking as well as she sounds on the phone.
Mom’s biggest concern is still all about how slow she is getting around but I keep reminding her of the ground she is covering every day. She makes walking “loops” around the premises and goes to an exercise class several times a week. It seems like she has decided to continue with the church service even though it’s on Saturday. That was a big adjustment for her. Each day seems to bring a new activity she is now participating in. Last Sunday she went to Movie Night and said there were a lot of people there – she didn’t mention “men”. I know she enjoys being around the people – even if she’s not very interested in the activity.
The big deal for me is that she has gone back to “the house” a couple of times and it doesn’t seem to stir up any emotional reaction. What a relief. She is much better at this sort of thing than her daughter. I recall being a basket case my first night alone in “the house”. She even complimented me on the way I left things. There is still no mention about what we will do with the house.
Mom’s debut at the New Residents gathering
Once a month I receive the Garden Villas newsletter with a calendar of events for the month and photos of recent activities. The first photo on the page was one of mom taken when we went to one of her first activities. I’m happy someone took a photo of her with her “just out of the beauty shop” hair.
The Three little kittens… I just talked to mom and she told me there were three little kittens asleep at her back door. They’ve apparently been there all morning and so far she has not told anyone. Hopefully when I talk to her tonight something will be resolved. It’s a good thing I am not there because if I was they would already be inside and feed.
Update on the kittens. They’re gone…the crew came in to mow the lawn and the was all it took for them to move on to greener pastures but I think mom will be talking about it for awhile.
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Are we there yet? another sequel
September 16, 2013 and mom moved in on August 5, 2013. Great progress and adjustment has been accomplished in 43 days by the tiny little wonder woman. So many of the positive things I had hoped for are already daily routines and she continues to surprise me as she breaks through boundaries she swore she would never cross or even have much interest in. Beyond ice cream! She’s getting involved in her new community and now I’m watching sides of her personality surface that sometimes look like a brand new mom to me. What’s going on?
She has still not returned to her “house” and fortunately doesn’t mention it much at all. At some point she will return and take some kind of inventory. It’s pretty clear now that her biggest regret or loss is not being able to drive anymore. This made such a strong impression on her personal freedom I’m actually glad the car is safely parked far away in the garage where it needs to stay and be unavailable. Just in case some whim pops up in her I can still do that list. Her neighbors continue to be local heros for her and a distant comfort for me. Dean brings the paper every night and always checks out the environment of her day. It would be hard for me to relax if I couldn’t count on these extra eyes always evaluating how she is getting along as well as encouraging her to participate and stay active.
It is still hard for me to be so far away from her but I am grateful she has shown the strength and determination to keep moving forward. Guy and Frine will visit her in early October and I will return later in October.
Main Entrance to Garden Villas
I’ve looked at clouds form both sides now
Now I know I can take pictures with my phone while up in the air.
39,999 feet over Colorado – literally above the clouds and heading for home. It feels sudden but I think that’s because suddenly everything in my priority bag is finished and I don’t know what the new contents will look like or require. It’s a done deal for now.
Jello. It surprises everyone when mom really like Jello. They want to bring her food or flowers but mom is beginning to burn out on too much food. has never wanted flowers.
I left mom this morning at 10:30 as she headed off to her exercise class. I couldn’t have asked for a better departure scene. No drama, no sliding backwards – just a sweet “I’ll be fine”. Mom will be fine and I like it when she says those exact words to me. It’s all already become so much more than I imagined and that’s because mom gave it her very best and made it happen. Everything has been done that can possible be done for this new phase in her life and I hope I can now watch from the sidelines as she takes it to new heights. In her familiar words “Time will tell”
Spending this time with mom has been one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to share the transition with her. When my thoughts bring in doubt of what the future will bring I remind myself that she is out of her house and she knew on her own that the time had come for her to make this change. There is no place for her going back and I believe she knows this and is doing her best to make peace with it. Mom will take it all to the next level in her own style – with the strength and perseverance that she has shown friends, neighbors, family and especially me.
This huge web of support has held it all together the entire time and will continue to carry her on into the unknown. She is loved, helped and watched over. Her neighbors, the neighborhood and the forty years of living in a house that was her favorite one of all of the houses she ever lived in is a life treasure for her. The neighbors have become my neighbors and have surrounded me for the past year but especially in the last three months. I will be forever grateful for the strength and support that they give me in my every attempt to keep things moving.
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Amazing Grace
It’s Sunday evening now and we have enjoyed our last weekend before I leave on Tuesday. It was filled with success, completion and unexpected Raising the Bar advances.
Mom had the fish tacos for the first time but later remarked about how salty the food was. I think she is beginning to appreciate the food served at “The Villas”
I knew that Saturday was going to present something of a test because mom had already made it clear that she wanted to go by the house and see how things looked. She said it was not for herself but for the neighbors. I knew I couldn’t avoid it or stop this desire because it had to happen at some point. Fortunately a couple of days earlier she had decided that she didn’t need to go inside. I was relieved by her decision but I actually think she would have handled it better and with more strenght than I did a couple of weeks ago.
Everything seemed to fall into perfect place. We decided to go for lunch first and then check out the neighborhood. Suddenly we were going out just like the old days. This was the first time she had been “outside” in nearly three weeks. I couldn’t help but think of her nearly forced first arrival at Garden Villas – me wheeling her into the place and her new life. At that time the idea of us ever going out to lunch or going anywhere seemed to me like an activity of the past. Thankfully I was wrong. So, we went to our local favorite, Cheddars, for the usual people watching and too much bulk & salt. Every time I looked at mom she looked like she was just about to epode with joy. But I reminded myself that lately I had been seeing this “joy” more that I had expected or imagined in her new place.
Just about ready for church but mom still needs her jacket. I know it’s at least 90º out side and she is cold – aways cold.
Then came the time for the “drive-by” Once again her inner strength amazed me. The tour was brief and without sorrow. I guess she knew she needed to do it and then she simply let go of attachment or new arrangement. None of the neighbors were outside and soon we were back “home”. It seemed like everything passed the test. She was tired but has not mentioned the house since.
Another big event of the weekend was for mom to finally let me hang photos on the walls. Once launched this activity turned into a two day process and ended earlier tonight with us going through boxes of old photos that we haven’t looked at in years. We now have our family hanging all over the walls. That was my last “staging” request. It is starting to feel homey and accommodating.
Ana and mom
But wait – there’s more! To my delight on Saturday night mom told me she thought she would like to go to church with me on Sunday. This filled me with the realization that she is ready to get back out into the world. She’s made the adjustment and I think she feels a certain relief. I picked her up on Sunday morning and off we went. She maneuvered most of it without her walker and I have to admit that I go on an ego trip when I see so many people looking a her with such awe. I love to show her off!
Sunday Afternoon There was entertainment in the auditorium and and mom was tapping her fingers and toes along with the guitar player. There were also a few times when I noticed her eyes were closed and I just waited for the music to wake her up. Before the “show” Ana stopped in to check in on her and we all decided that it was time for mom to start wearing earrings. She resisted because she always says she can’t get them on. I know she can’t – but Ana or Lucy will be happy to get the job done.
Read MoreThis has got to be the New Morning Mom!
I told mom I was leaving next week and the following morning she had sort of relapsed – just when good progress was being made. I was expecting a reaction so I just followed it through the day. I talked to her but I didn’t know if my words were having any effect – I never do. She cancelled her dentist appointment, she voiced familiar old morning ailments and complaints. I hated hearing these again. I watched her get in and out of bed, she didn’t get dressed, she didn’t make her bed – she said she just didn’t feel good. It was like watching reruns. But something seemed stronger this time and I felt her “shift” was still alive and kicking. I held my breath. She didn’t eat much breakfast But she managed to correctly take her pills. She nearly collapsed twice and I knew a certain weakness had returned. But at 10:30 she was gearing up to go to her second exercise class – did I mention that there are a lot of men attending these daily exercise classes?
A picture is worth a thousand words. Lucy and her flock of angels keep everything running behind the scenes – they continue to make it all possible.
I watched her get dressed and I’m pretty sure her shirt was on backwards. I peeked out the door when she left and saw that she was resting on a chair about half way down the hall. I knew she was weak but she was determined to get to the class. She got up and started walking again and I could see that she was about to take a wrong turn. I just kind of appeared out of the blue and redirected her. She made it to the class! An hour later, after the class, she was still kind of glum with not much interest in lunch or anything at all. But as she looked at her still unmade bed she said “This is the first morning I haven’t made my bed”. I was relieved that she noticed and seemed to care. She slept the rest of the afternoon But she was ready for dinner a five.
The next morning when I arrived at 7:30 with high hopes I was happy to find her already up and dressed. The bed was made and she was sitting in her chair waiting for her breakfast. She had a busy day ahead. Exercise at 10:30, shower with Lucy at noon, hair appointment at 2:30 and dinner at five. Plus, I talked her into going to Happy Hour at 3:30.
It’s time for me to Let Go – let go to the point of separation. Give up my surveillance, my arranging and my sense of control. Accept a parting of ways and allow mom’s strenght to hold her and carry her.
Up and ready to go before breakfast has arrived.
When mom gets up in the morning and makes her bed right away it’s my way of knowing she’s doing fine.
Back Home – New Home
For years mom’s personal motto has been “Live each day and live it well“. I believe she has lived by her words for most of her days but the last year has been a struggle. Her increasing need to allow for more help with personal and household care finally meant moving. It has been hard for her to let go of her Home in the last two weeks and I know it will be a continuing challenge for some time. But, each day I think she finds more activity and interest to lure her into her new environment.
Night Owl goes Dancing. When mom woke up this morning she said she felt like she had been prancing around all night. She had just told me that she had a good nights sleep so I asked her if she had been prancing in her dreams or in the room. She clearly said “In the room”
Every morning I have been slipping into her apartment just to assure myself that she has made it through the night. Sometimes she is already up and getting into her new routine. These are the mornings I know the transition is going well. If she’s still sleeping I stand there and watch her. I always did this before she moved but now I am beginning to see something new. Reflections of painful slumber are actually being replaced with expressions of inner delight. She smiles in her sleep – her face is softer. It wasn’t like that “before” and I know every morning will not be easy but it is a comfort to see a kind of peacefulness awaken in her.
Back home every morning I would go into her room before she woke up. Often I would quietly stare at the pain in her face and wait for the covers go up and down assuring me that she was still alive. I would feel her expressions with helplessness – wanting to wake her up and out of it but knowing it would all still be there. She would wake up most mornings with something wrong – something that hurt or just a sense of dread. It would usually be noon before she would greet the new day with her “expected” joy. This is changing in her New Home. I don’t want to get too comfortably enthusiastic but for now I believe she feels better than she has for a long time.
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Leona, Lucille and Hazel – Dinner every night at five. I was happy to get this shot before the rest of the “diners” arrived. The seating is the same every night and that helps speed up a bond. The man sitting at the table behind mom is “whispered to be” the House Romeo and he seems to live up to his name. I think there are mostly men sitting at the table with him but mom won’t tell me.
Heartbreak Hotel
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It’s Saturday night now and I just left mom on her own for the second night and once again find myself here in an empty house that was “home” for her for over forty years. It is strange. I’m now sleeping in the bed that I have known and loved for my entire life but it has never been my bed. As a child I loved to swing on the four posters, to touch the bumps and curves of the headboard and study the beauty in the detail – It was where the king and queen slept. Something of a magic carpet. Of course mom has cherished and cared for the entire bedroom set for nearly seventy years and its tradition and quality has an unspoken history of its own. This is yet another segment in the Transition. When I left mom tonight she said “Now you are going away to sleep in the bed and I wish it was me. In a lifetime she has rarely said things like this – something that may indicate sorrow. It wasn’t said with pity but with a stoic realization of accepting “the facts” and I am happy she is able to get these words out because I think expressing it helps ease a heavy load. There is sadness but I believe that we can move through it with ease and some kind of speed.
If mom will just slow down long enough for me to take a picture!
Today was filled with newly gained strength and interest in participating in a few of the activities offered. There was a church service and she might have liked it a little more if it would have been offered on Sunday rather than Saturday but she at least gave it a try. A lot of the residents are beginning to approach her and welcome her. They all seem quite fascinated by her petite little body and big appetite. Her sparkle is waiting in the sidelines.
The best news is her surge of energy to take control. She may be ready for the daily exercise classes by next week. It’s a little scary because I’m not putting it past her to soon wheel out the main door, find the car and just drive back home. She is ready and really not the same person I had force to sit on her walker a little over a week ago just to move her into her new place. She’s adjusting but certainly not adjusted. I’ve allerted Lucy that she is a force to be reckoned with and have casually said to mom – this enthusiasm is great but slow down so you don’t fall down.
Read MoreGarden Villas Sweet Welcome
Mom’s first party at Garden Villas seems to have been a success
Friday afternoon Garden Villas had a Welcome Gathering to introduce the new Residents. I loved seeing how eager and agreeable mom was to attend. The timing was perfect because she had a hair appointment right before the “party” and she looked beautiful. The in-house hairdresser, Ron, has worked at Garden Villas for sixteen years and certainly has a “way” with all of the ladies. Mom’s days of going to the local Beauty School are now history I am sure. It’s really fun for me to watch her come alive and want to wear jewelry and makeup. She met some of her neighbors and got a sense of the potential “activity out side her front door”
Friday night was the first time for me to leave mom alone for the night. The rehearsal is over. This is the beginning of seeing how well she will manage on her own. For the last few years her nights and the early hours of dawn are the toughest – mostly because of pain from neorapathy in her legs. I raced over to see her at 7am, found her sleeping in peace before waking up with “that” smile she so often greets the day with. I know this won’t be the case all of the time but we are off to a good start. Last night was very good and she slept well.
More photos of Garden Villas