You are not the Target – You are on Target.
I have let days go by without writing anything because most of my thoughts have been disappointing and even scary at times. Sometimes mom hits periods that look like new bottoms and I have a hard time knowing how serious the situation actually is. I have to constantly keep in mind that she is going through a “Temporary Phase” – a huge lifestyle change. Do I respond to these alarms as merely a part of this adjustment period and ride with it – or, what if something critical is happening and I should call 911. ??? Usually there is no middle ground.
Sometimes my heart soars and sometimes or my heart sinks. It feels like a roller coaster ride and I realize we’ve already bought the ticket.
A sweet moment Monday at 4 o’clock in the afternoon I had a wheelchair in the room and was on the verge of taking mom to Emergency. I knew if she was admitted to the hospital chances were strong that she would be kept there for a long time. I reviewed her symptoms and decided they weren’t life threatening. If she still felt this way in the middle of the night I could take her then. At least I had learned that there is a wheelchair available for the residents. She made it throughout the night with help from a strong pain pill and by four o’clock the next afternoon she felt like a new person. I took her for a first visit to the Ice Cream Parlor and several of the men already knew her name and were anxious to talk to her. She began to sparkle. This was better than the ice cream. And to top that off in the evening she wanted to put on lipstick before going to dinner and asked me if I could bring her black beads from home to wear the next day.
The sliding back door looks out on a quiet view of green grass, trees and rabbits.
Independent Living Redefined Last night I realized that not only have I spent every night with mom but there has also not been a time span of more than three hours when she has been alone. This is hardly Independent Living and it is my hope that I can now start to back off. I continue to be happy with her living space and really appreciate the separate back entrance. Most of the apartments do not have access to lawn area and all visitors must go through the main entrance, sign in and find their way through two long corridors to finally get to the front door. I appreciate the security but am happy that her friends can just come to the back door.
She has breakfast in her room every morning and has been going downstairs for dinner most of the time. I feel like Lucy and Ana are getting to know her and she is a lot more comfortable letting them take over and help her out. The last two mornings she made her bed on her own and today she washed her lunch dishes. For me this is a sign of her getting back into her regular routine from “before” and helps me see that she is getting settled. I still hold my breath and cross my fingers.
Read MoreI love Lucy
Filling in the blanks. Mom is gradually “allowing” more furniture but still no pictures on the walls.
It’s now day three at Garden Villas. There have been both expected and unexpected ups & downs but I feel good about the decision we have made and direction we are now headed. I feel a sense of safety for mom even stronger than I had imagined and there is so much personal care and attention. Mom is quickly getting use to being waited on. I have been spending the nights with her and will continue this until she gets more oriented to where she is.
The biggest unexpected bonus for me is the option to hire additional personal care for residents. For now this additional assistance will help cover most of the concerns I have around the choice between Assisted Living or Independent Living. Bring on Lucy! She’s the boss and has worked at Garden Villas for thirteen years. She and her flock of angels are taking over and I think mom enjoys the pampering and interaction. This is beyond room service. Breakfast and dinner are either delivered to her room or she is escorted to and from the dining room. My sense is mom will have breakfast in her room and dinner with the residents. Lucy “safety-checks” in on mom several times through out the day, does her laundry and will give her a bath three times a week.
The new morning oatmeal routine. Lucy delivered breakfast for both of us. Mom said – I don’t think I could have done “this” anymore.
My Favorite first comments from mom:
• The food here is better that Meals on Wheels.
It’s also better than most of the restaurants we have eaten in. I continue to be grateful for Meals on Wheels and what they provided for mom.
• I’m amazed by how many men there are.
I hear this about five times a day and it’s usually one of the first things she mentions when friends ask her what she thinks of the “place”.
• Everyone is so friendly and nice.
This was her response when I asked her if she could tell me one thing that she noticed that she liked (if anything) the day after she moved in.
• The grounds are so well maintained and the cloud formations are beautiful.
I remember her telling me she didn’t care if she had a room with a view. She is already indulging in one of her favorite pass times – looking out the windows – if to only see what the neighbors were doing.
Packing it up – Last call
Mom’s reading her first bible from the 4th grade
The air was cleared by the time Sunday morning rolled in and mom made more amazing progress the evening before. Sorting out and saving the best of most of her life. We went through photographs, books and I heard never before expressed memories of times in her life. It was a cherished time for both of us.
Sunday afternoon brought in more clouds and I once again had to admit that we were going to need to delay the move one more day – one more time. Mom seemed to have lost touch with all of the energy she had gained and was once again having trouble just trying to stand up and take a few steps. I let go of the Sunday move in date and knew Monday had to be the final day or we were going to have to re-adjust the entire plan. She needed to be more mobile to get along in Independent living.
The arrival looks good.
On Monday morning the neighborhood crew showed up to move her bed and that meant curtain call for her. I gave her until noon and said to myself even if I have to carry her we are going. We departed on schedule and when we arrived I asked her to sit on her walker seat so I could wheel her to her new “door”. When I opened to door she seemed to like what she saw. That had to be enough for me for a start. I reminded that her dinner was at five and Megan, the manager, would be escorting us and introducing her. I left her alone to rest and when I returned an hour later she was up refreshed and ready to go she walked all the way to the dining room, enjoyed meeting the women that she will share dinner with every night and loved the food.
Read MoreBreakthroughs & Breakdowns
Getting started
Saturday morning once again is filled with new realizations and more turf covered.
We’ve moved most of the heavy items and it’s good to have that done. Mom has a hard time watching people go out of their way for her and wants to participate in some way. She is now at the point where it is difficult for her to just stand up and walk across the room. This is hard to watch I hope some renewed strength will come after she has moved and is familiar with her new surroundings. Today she will witness a constant activity of her neighbors boxing and carrying everything for her new household.
I’d been wondering how long I could keep myself in denial – not wanting to accept the increasing reality of gradually losing my mother in so many familiar ways. The inevitable came crashing through yesterday with an outburst of tears filled with sadness and fatigue. I really didn’t want mom to have to see this meltdown. It’s hard for me to watch her go through the variety of changes she is suddenly surrounded by. I mostly feel helpless and try to remind myself that this is all part of life’s natural cycle. This is usually not enough to calm me down as I continue combing every part of my being searching for something that might help her or hold her.
Meanwhile I am looking for the hidden blessings in things that appear to be going wrong. Our phone is “accidentally” disconnected for the entire weekend in case anyone has tried to call. At least we aren’t being bothered by solicitors and there is a certain peace that come with knowing the phone ever ring.
Read MoreFollow The Yellow Brick Road
Making the best of it.
Sunday July 28, 2013 We have now gone between Plan A and Plan B so many times that I need to consider what “plans” the rest of the alphabet has to offer. All of the back and forth starts to feel like nowhere but I constantly remind myself that we are actually accomplishing something even if we don’t see it right in front of us.
The moving company rescheduled for August 5 and mom was a little too excited about the delay. However, knowing an actual date somehow grounded her and also made it clear how close “the time” was. For me this extended date sounded good at first but as I adjusted my original moving plans to now include some extra days I realized the extra time was kind of like a breading ground for mom to come up with new worries or hesitations. Now I have decided to cancel the movers and manage on my own – with a lot of help from the neighbors. This will save money and people have been waiting and wanting to help us out. Mom has lived here for forty years and some of the neighbors remember my dad. It’s a comforting feeling of community plus I don’t know many people that knew my dad.
Meals on Wheels leftovers for lunch.
We shifted gears yesterday and got a lot more accomplished than I expected but by the end of the day I could see that too many decisions and too much sorting out and sorting through had taken its toll on mom. She was exhausted and confused about what was going where?, when? and why?. In the evening mom announced that she wasn’t going to move on the 5th because she couldn’t possibly be ready. I responded by saying that I thought we should move on the 3rd or 4th. We still don’t know.
Packing up the silver
The challenge is for us to separate what she will need to take with her and also try to decide what we think she may need later. It’s kind of like downsizing with strings. My hope that she will not feel like she can keep coming back “here” to pick up extra items once she has moved out. I know this will be hard for her since her house is conveniently located only about 4 blocks away. Yesterday she said she thought she should have 2 bottles of Spray & Wash. Instantly I knew what she was thinking. I told her that there was no way she was going to be coming back here to do her laundry. Doing laundry is one of those activities like going shopping for mom. She can just get lost in it – almost as if it were a meditation. I hope she will find a way to bond with the laundry room in her new home.
Read MoreMother, may I …
There have been 2 hot evenings when mom could join me on the patio and watch the birds while waiting for the first fireflies to appear.
take 3 giant steps forward? Our latest move date is another week away but our baby steps are covering ground.
I have maintained a kind of hovering mood ever since I’ve been here. Circulating around mom’s every move in a protective way wanting to believe that she somehow won’t have to take all of this change in a harsh way. I know it’s impossible to hide the reality of it all but maybe it helps. It’s the Mothering my Mother syndrome that I have found myself in.
This will be the week of Un-doing the house and the gradual transition of separating everything mom will need in her new home while keeping her current home looking as much like it’s always looked before she leaves it. I just don’t want the house to look like a sea of clutter and chaos while she tries to stay grounded – in a ground she’s never been on. She is still so fragile and I’ve recently gone back and forth trying to determine if she needs Assisted Living rather than Independent Living. This is a big decision requiring not only trying to add up her current capabilities but also calling the possible shots and timing for the future.
All of this really became a wake up call when I had my first serious look at her new bathroom last weekend and tried to deny the thought that this perfect new place might not work after all. The bathroom suddenly looked like a disaster zone – the classic accident waiting to happen. Especially the shower which even an able-bodied person would have difficulty maneuvering around in. Fortunately I found a shower solution yesterday and will order a small shower/bench with railings that looks perfect.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
The toilet situation has been an ongoing saga for months now and this story wouldn’t be complete without including some of the challenges. Old people need some version of seat belts for their safety. This is a big deal. There are a variety of products available to make sitting safer but they are mostly One-Size-Fits-All and don’t really accommodate an 80 pound person with very little physical strength to just hold on. In the last couple of months mom and I have narrowed it down to two versions. But, I have altered the one that seems to work best so many times that now it’s not reasonable to recreate the setup in her new bathroom. Now I hope that the in-house maintenance man will find a way to enhance the “look” of my version.
Materials used:
• Gray tape
• White shoelaces
• Adjustable suitcase belt
• not shown – Twine tied between the right toilet arm to the toilet paper holder to make the connection stronger.
Are we there yet?
Saturday morning and I think we are beginning to move the rock. Good news because mom has come back to life and what a relief that is for me. She has more energy and interest. Still, I have had to admit to myself that she has slowed down much faster than any time in the last year. She has little interest in going out and I think part of this is because it’s just too hard for her to get around. This helps assure me that the timing of her move is right. We still don’t have a move-in date but mom has started talking about what she wants to take and is asking me more and more questions about concerns or unknowns she has. She is really thinking about it a lot and I feel like she is onboard. I made another visit to the Villa yesterday because the apartment is now cleared out and I have a better idea of how to arrange the space. At this point I kind of have a pinch me am I dreaming? feeling because every time I make a visit the better it looks and feels.
The current plan is for us to make a couple of Ice Cream visits next week and then mom can have another look around and see what her living space looks like. Meanwhile I’ll make arrangements with the movers and go shopping for household extras she will need. If it keeps moving like it is now we may be packing things up by Wednesday and even moving by the end of the week. I have my fingers crossed.
Read MoreThe Arrival – again
Once mom realized she was ready to move everything seemed to shift. There is actually a sense of excitement or adventure in the air and I’m hoping this next phase will be fun. The logistics are certainly not worked out yet but we do know she will need to decide what furniture she will want. We have a meeting at Villa Gardens on Monday and that will set the actual timing of the move. We just spent Sunday getting kind of grounded.
Kicking back on the recliner chair.
Now it’s Monday afternoon and I’m hoping all of my enthusiasm wasn’t too hasty. Mom is really moving slow today and seems to think she needs Assisted Living instead of Independent Living. I don’t think she has a clear understanding of the difference and still feel like Independent will be fine. Perhaps it’s because the reality of moving and also realizing and admitting that she needs assistance is what is overcoming her today. I’m just letting her rest while I try to figure out the next steps.
A rock and a hard place It’s Thursday now and time seems to have stood still. Very little progress has been made and I find myself just waiting around – mostly adjusting to the change in mom’s energy. She spends hours sleeping or napping and I once again hope this is just how she is processing the change that is before her. She’s kind of distant and doesn’t have much enthusiasm or appetite.
Today will be more of a test of the reality because we will probably go to the Villa and sign the papers. It feels right and it feels scary and unknown. We made a short visit on Tuesday for “Ice cream hour” and mom truly enjoyed her visit. She even said afterward that she liked talking to the ladies. It was the most animated and awake I have see since I’ve been here. That helps reassure me that it will all work out and she will enjoy herself once she settles in. Now my concern is for her physical capabilities.
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Read MoreSpring 2013 visit
Good times. Good Days
Here’s the deal mom… Something seemed to finally sink in when I reminded mom that she did still have some choices and that was to her advantage. I also made it clear that if she moved into Garden Villas and it didn’t work out after – giving it a try – then she would still be able to move back home. She wouldn’t really know until she tried it. We didn’t have to keep calling it The Last Resort.
For me, time was running out because I knew I was scheduled to leave Kansas on Friday. The day before I left mom and I made the much anticipated re-visit to Garden Villas. A chance for mom to see the actual apartment I had been looking at and the very one I like to picture her living in.
The apartment still has the furnishings of the current occupant but she is in rehab and will not be returning to live there. Hopefully it will be available for mom in the next couple of months. I think it was helpful for mom to see what it looked like with the current tenants furniture and belongings in it. When we left she didn’t say much but I got a strong feeling that she liked what she saw. The big Ahah for me was when she said she thought her bed might be too big for the space and that maybe she needed a smaller one. She was already starting the decorating!
Mixing the soil. Perfect view of the curls.
It went as well as I could have dreamed and now the next couple of months I will be subtly guide mom toward and through this transition to keep it alive in her thoughts. I dream of the day she begins to get excited about it. Meanwhile she must to stay safe and healthy in her home as we move along a little further..
Planting the petunias. A chance to get a partial view of the new shoes. Yes, she does need new socks.
It was nice for mom to have some fun after being dragged into paces and agreements she was being pretty much forced to participate in. I bought some petunias and mom got into some gardening which is one of her favorite things to do. It’s limited but it was wonderful to see her lost in the joy of gardening. Now every time she is in the kitchen she is greeted by the petunias and they are at the top of the steps so she can water them as needed.
Read MoreTime-outs and New Perspectives
There’s something to be said for Time-Outs even for adults. They’re like safety nets that can catch tantrums before they become regretful Over-Reactions. Mom and I have taken a few time-outs and seem to have arrived on fresh new ground. It doesn’t feel like a battlefield anymore. The evenings are typical for Kansas – Hot & Humid. In the evenings we sit on the patio and wait for the fireflies to put on a show for us. It’s okay for now.
The Social Worker came on Monday and the meeting was positive. Mom will now have a visiting nurse come once a week and a housecleaner for two hours twice a month. She understands that there is no way to get out of this and I think she’s a little curious. For me it’s a start in the right direction.
Tomorrow is a big day because we will visit Garden Villas again. This time it will be a much closer reality for mom because she may actually be moving in. It’s not set in stone but we have finally had some comfortable talks about what it will involve and why this move is best for her and those who love her.
Notice the Meals on Wheels menus posted on the refrigerator.
One of my favorite times with mom is watching her prepare her breakfast every morning. It’s comforting to see how well she is able to get around and a relief to know she gets a nutritious breakfast every morning.
This is a routine that will be hard to replace if she moves. It’s a habit she has had for years and there is a very specific order of daily steps.
Oatmeal with sliced bananas and yogurt. Toast or muffin with juice and her morning pills.