A more realistic title would have been Trying to Write the page because I have been trying to put something into words for almost two months and I keep running into a wall. It’s always just a new version of the same wall I’ve been hitting for the last year. Now I think I am finally starting to read some of the writing on the wall. Mom’s gone.
I’m at a pivotal point and as scary and unknown as it seems to suggest ⎯ It’s time for me to grieve so I can get to the other side ⎯ the “we lived happily ever after” side.
One year ago from right now was the beginning of the end and it haunts me very hard. It was, by far, the worst time in mom’s entire life and the events that took place then remain the hardest ones for me to accept. Do I have to look back at that? When I grieve do I have to work my way backwards to finally get to the good stuff? Is that the only route? I want the ending part to just Go Away and not lure me into feeling like something could have been different, something could have been better or I could have stopped something. I know it’s too late for that voice of instruction ⎯ I shouldn’t be listening to it anyway. I need a better starting point to get unstuck. A new chapter.
2013 Mom dressed in Valentine Red welcoming her Meals on Wheels driver, Jackie.
Special Delivery on Valentines Day
This year on Valentine’s Day I skipped my thoughts of one year ago and took myself to the previous year, 2013. Leonor had recently agreed to be available for mom as needed and the Meals on Wheels delivery was quickly becoming the highlight of each day. It still amazes me when I remember how excited she was about the food and she could hardly wait to taste it.
At that time I felt like I could be comfortable at home in California knowing Mom was safe. Plus she was even more content with more social activity and new contacts. This was my ongoing plan for her care. I was determined it was the right thing to do even though it wasn’t easy. Maybe I even thought it would last forever.